The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society (audio story)

The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society was the eighth release in the Iris Wildthyme audio series. It was the first story in the third season. It was written by Cavan Scott.

Publisher's summary[edit | edit source]

"Prepare thyself, bride..."

Panda isn't happy. One minute he's due to be crowned an intergalactic hero with concubines galore and the next Iris is dragging him to the planet Trull, the 42nd Century equivalent of Milton Keynes. As Iris becomes the hottest celeb in the galaxy, little do they know that everyone on Trull is about to die...

Plot[edit | edit source]

Panda receives a phone call from Hypermarket, who want Iris Wildthyme to promote their shop, and Panda declines, as Iris is already with a competitor. Hypermarket try to bribe Panda, and Panda is outraged, as he's the general secretary for The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society, and he promptly hangs up. Panda then receives a call from Iris, claiming that it's an emergency. She has towels in the wrong colour, so Panda heads out to fetch the correct ones. He's annoyed by the current events, and he thinks about when is all went wrong.

Not long before, Iris and Panda had saved the New Naxium Empire from the Slime Filled Slavians, and on New Naxia, the populace had wanted to repay Iris and Panda by giving them luxurious and extra special treatment, such as Pleasure Palace. Unfortunately, the ceremony was interrupted by a hostile warship, who wanted to place Iris under arrest, so she and Panda fleed back to the Celestial Omnibus.

On the bus, Iris tried to make sure that they weren't being followed, and she told Panda that the warship in question was a Monstron Time destroyer. Iris decided to go to a planet called Trull, in the 42nd century, to lay low. On Trull, they were immediately spotted by the self proclaimed "number one fan of Iris Wildthyme", Wayne Bland.

Flashing forwards, Panda is paying for the correct towels at Cosmomart, and the till girl tells Panda that the two towels cost 4000 credits. Panda puts the towels on Iris' tab, and the till girl is immediately kinder knowing that Panda works for Iris, and they have a conversation. Panda then tells her about when he and Iris first arrived on Trull.

Iris had said that Wayne used to follow her everywhere, and he had even tried to break into the Celestial Omnibus. Iris is not at all please to see Wayne, and she threatens to slap him if he doesn't clear off. Iris and Panda walk off.

At the present time, the till girl is in disbelief about Iris being rude, but Panda justifies her actions.

When getting away from Wayne, Iris and Panda decided to go into a bar, which just so happened to be a branch of Wetherspoons, and they ordered two Baby Chams. Wayne caught up with them, and he begged for Iris to sign his original copy of the Radio Times Iris Wildthyme Centenary Special. She reluctantly obliges, on the proviso he will stop bothering them, and he agrees. He asked Iris to use his special pen, and she did. As soon as she had re-capped the lid, she began to feel woozy. In excitement, Wayne fainted.

The till girl interrupts Panda, saying that she does have other customers to serve, and he apologises.

After Wayne had fainted, Iris and Panda had quickly left, and Panda felt a bit guilty just leaving Wayne on the floor, unconscious. However, Panda quickly forgot when he saw Iris' strange behaviour, and Panda thought she had snapped.

A shop keeper had cried out, "stop, thief!", and Iris ran off to investigate, Panda running frantically after her. Wayne, now conscious again, tried to get Panda to stop, but Panda pushed him aside and Panda continues to try to catch up with Iris. When Panda did catch up with Iris, she was scanning the the shop with her Sonic corkscrew to find the thief's DNA. She got a location of the thief, and she and Panda head off in pursuit. They saw that the thief had borded a Hovertram, so they had head off to the Celestial Omnibus.

Iris was weirdly in awe of the Omnibus, and when she tried to drive the Omnibus, the emergency lockdown procedure initiated, so Iris and Panda got out in the nick of time to see the Omnibus seal itself up. Iris uses the Sonic corkscrew to unlock a nearby hoverbike, and they speed off just as Wayne had got there.

Iris recklessly pursued the hovertram, and they caught up with it just as it began to let passengers disembark. The Sonic corkscrew lead her to the thief, who was a young boy, Johnny. The boy's mother asks what Iris is doing with her son, and Iris said that he was a thief, and the mother says that he was in his grandfather's shop. Iris didn't listen to this, and she tried to pull off a non-existent mask off Johnny's face, which catches the attention of a Policebot. The Policebot arrested her, and as she was dragged off she repeatedly shouted that she's Iris Wildthyme.

Cutting back to the present time, Panda is visiting the Trull Central Institute for the Criminally Insane. Panda is here to see Wayne.

Iris wakes up to the phone ringing, and the call is from the president of Trull. She flirts with him, but has more pressing things to be concerned with - an unidentified signal has been intercepted, and an object larger than Trull itself has entered the solar system, and it's heading fast towards Trull. The president wants Iris in the war-room ASAP. But Iris needs to get to the Trull Central Institute, to meet Wayne, and to stop "him" from learning the truth.

Panda is talking to Wayne, and Panda's getting more wound up by the minute, as he thinks Wayne is sprouting nonsense, and then, Wayne says that he's Iris Wildthyme. Iris/Wayne has just arrived at the reception, and she lets herself into the inner areas of the institution. Wayne/Iris is pleading for Panda to see the truth, and Wayne/Iris says that Wayne used a Anibusian Mind Transferer to swap their minds. Panda is on the verge of believing Wayne/Iris, but then Iris/Wayne arrives, and convinces Panda that Wayne/Iris is insane, and they leave, despite Wayne/Iris' protests.

Outside, the population are all simultaneously chanting for the arrival of Kragoom. Suddenly Iris/Wayne starts chanting as well, and Panda realises his mistake. Panda heads back to the institution, and he brings Iris' handbag just in case. He heads back to Wayne/Iris, but Panda still has his suspicions - he asks Wayne/Iris how Iris/Wayne knew about all of their past exploits, and Wayne/Iris tells Panda that a future incarnation of herself wrote an autobiography, Ugg Boots and Catsuits: My Fabulous Life, which Wayne had a copy of.

Unfortunately, Wayne/Iris can't leave the cell she's in, as Wayne's body has an explosive girdle strapped on, so Wayne/Iris and Panda have to swap their minds. Panda/Iris heads off to find Iris/Wayne so Iris can get back in her body again. She finds Iris/Wayne, and she uses a Localised Psionic Dampening Field to neutralise Kragoom's mind control, and Iris/Wayne begrudgingly gives Iris her body back.

Iris and Panda/Wayne find the Celestial Omnibus, and Iris tells the Omnibus that it's really her, and the Omnibus lifts the lockdown mode. They get in the Omnibus, and they re-materialise it next to Kragoom. Iris turns off the Localised Psionic Dampening Field, she can talk to Kragoom. Iris lies, and she asks for Kragoom's autograph, and she holds out the Anibusian Mind Transferer. Kragoom, using Panda's body as a puppet, obliges, without realising what he's actually doing. However, Wayne had realised the errors of his ways, and had modified the Mind Transferer to swap his mind with Kragoom's, not Iris'.

Back on Trull, Panda swaps his mind with Kragoom's, so Panda's in his correct body, and he and Iris leave, and Kragoom is left in the Trull Central Institute.

Outside, they head off towards the Celestial Omnibus, but Iris wants to remain on Trull for a while longer, as she enjoys being a celebrity. The till girl meets Iris, and the girl asks for Iris' autograph. Just as Iris is about to wire the autograph, the Monstron Time Destroyer arrives, and Iris and Panda run back to the Celestial Omnibus.

Cast[edit | edit source]

Iris Wildthyme / Wayne Bland II - Katy Manning
Panda / Iris Wildthyme / Kragoom / Wayne Bland II - David Benson
Wayne Bland II / Iris Wildthyme / Kragoom - Christopher Allen
Emperor - Scott Handcock
Mother / Till girl - Dolly Oladini
Barman / Prisoner - Tony Coburn
Policebot / Prisoner - Thomas Rees-Kaye

References[edit | edit source]

Iris uses her sonic corkscrew.
Kragoom is one of the Great Old Ones.
Sing Something Simple was a radio show.
Iris and Panda spent several years on Trull.
Panda mentions Showaddywaddy.
Iris mentions Hilda Ogden.
Iris (while possessed by Wayne) mentions the Flair Bears, the Ectovores, Kitty Snacks, Kitty Snacks, Señor 105 and the Martian gambit, and the Dart Championships at Pondside.
Panda mentions Lady Gaga and Jack Kirby.
Sapphire and Gordon's were types of alcohol.
Iris (in Panda's body) compliments Wayne (in Iris' body) as he took "cosplay to a whole new level".
Iris uses a Localised Psionic Dampening Field.
Iris once met somebody who "wedded his Morris Minor".
Kragoom enjoys foreplay.

The Iris Wildthyme series[edit | edit source]

Iris will write an autobiography, Ugg Boots and Catsuits: My Fabulous Life.
There is an Iris Wildthyme TV show, movies, and action figures.
The Radio Times Iris Wildthyme Centenary Special has a picture of a future incarnation of Iris on the cover. Iris says that this future incarnation is "leggy", and Panda says he's seen daintier rugby players.
Hoppy is an Australian kangaroo, who was the replacement for Panda in the TV series about Iris. Panda was in the pilot episode, but nobody believed that Iris travelled with a "talking bear". Hoppy was available as a plushy, with a voice synthesiser. Iris said that the future Panda wouldn't sell his image rights.
The Twenty-two fourteen bus playset was an action figure playset based off the Celestial Omnibus.
Wayne ran The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society and edited the fanzine, Blags and Gladrags.
When Iris became a celebrity on Trull, Who Iris Did Next is a documentary TV show.
She received fan-mail.
There are life-size Iris love dolls.

Locations[edit | edit source]

Cartaisia is a planet.
Iris and Panda were once locked up in the original Bedlum in 1397. They pretended to be insane so they could get inside the hospital and defeat a Psychic Vampire.
Iris (while possessed by Wayne), lived in Wildthyme Manor.
Panda mentioned The Ritz.
Panda once visted the Bamboo Utopia.
Wayne (in Panda's body) suggests that he should tell Kragoom that a planetoid in Alpha Centauri fancies him.