It's the story of Alexander the Great, sinking ships, falling empires, robot dinosaurs, and alien invasions. It's a story of love, royal weddings, murder, mass murder, genocide, and very tight trousers.
It's the story of the life of Captain John and it's the story of Torchwood. Be careful what you wish for.
- Captain Jack Harkness - John Barrowman
- Captain John Hart - James Marsters
- Gwen Cooper - Eve Myles
- Ianto Jones - Gareth David-Lloyd
- Rhys Williams - Kai Owen
- Sgt Andy - Tom Price
- Norton Folgate - Samuel Barnett
- Queen Victoria - Rowena Cooper
- Christopher Marlowe - Rick Yale
- Alexander the Great - Aly Cruickshank
- Catherine the Great - Marilyn Le Conte
- Hephaeston - Luke Williams
- Field Marshal - Richard Elfyn
- Flat Holm Doctor - Kerry Joy Stewart
- Royal Servant - Kristy Philipps
- Jack and John meet (and have sex with) Alexander the Great, Catherine the Great, and Christopher Marlowe.
- John calls a Blowfish a twat.
- John visits the Blessing.
- John creates an alternate timeline with his meddling. Differences in this timeline include:
- John married Queen Victoria, becoming Prince Consort. He later murders Queen Victoria and declares himself King.
- John uses a distilled rift energy to siphon off Jack's immortality, transferring it to himself and imprisoning Jack.
- Taking charge of the Torchwood Institute, John uses the technology to re-establish the British Empire under his rule.
- John fakes the spaceship crash at Roswell, New Mexico using a fake spaceship Torchwood had built and a couple dwarves he had dressed as aliens. He tells Norton Folgate that he did this because there was nothing on the telly, and he got bored.
- John hires Ianto Jones as his personal assistant, making him dress in bondage-themed outfits and torturing him for fun.
- John has Yvonne Hartman's scientific team force open the Void Ship, loosing Daleks on Torchwood One, killing all the staff.
- John kills Myfanwy because he is offended by her bodily functions.
- John is responsible for the deaths of Toshiko Sato and Gwen Cooper during Torchwood missions, considering their lives expendable. He murders Rhys Williams to keep him from going to the media.
- John deals with the invasion of the 456; he has no issue in handing over the requested 10% of the Earth's children.
- The Queen has a Pomeranian named Turi.
- Uniquely, the trailer for this story was presented by James Marsters in character as Captain John Hart, as opposed to Big Finish executive producer Nicholas Briggs. In an addendum to the Big Finish slogan, We Love Stories, he adds "and puppies, but mostly stories."
- Jack is imprisoned on Flat Holm. (TV: Adrift)
- John says Jack could escape the Mariana trench. Jack would later visit the trench in the main timeline. (AUDIO: Submission)
- John causes a massacre at Torchwood One by ordering that the Void Ship be opened. (TV: Army of Ghosts/Doomsday)
- John answers the call of the 456 ambassador. (TV: Children of Earth: Day Three)
- John visits the Blessing. (TV: The Gathering)
- Jack's immortality is connected to the Time Vortex. (TV: The Parting of the Ways)
- Jack is a fixed point in time. (TV: Last of the Time Lords) As such, his death results in the destruction of the universe. (TV: The Wedding of River Song)