- You may be looking for the comic story of the same name.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
The Beige Guardian had kidnapped all eight incarnations of the Doctor, tied them up and placed them on a huge birthday cake with hissing dynamite "candles" strapped to their heads. The Beige Guardian produced every enemy the Doctors had ever defeated and announced that they were to be made to defeat them all again, a prospect which the Doctors found tedious. Leaving the First and Eighth Doctors tied to the cake with their explosive candle fuses burning, the Beige Guardian sent the rest to battle their assorted enemies.
The Sixth and Second Doctors found themselves aboard a space station where they met what at first appeared to be a Raston Warrior Robot but was actually a Wildean Wit Enforcer, a creature which immediately killed any source of bad puns, the Sixth Doctor noting that they were still in a lot of trouble. Davros and the Daleks show up and chase the Doctors through the station's corridors.
The Third and Fifth Doctors find themselves outside The Queen Victoria, a pub from EastEnders, just as a crowd of intoxicated Ogrons and Sontarans were barred. The monsters drunkenly picked a fight with the Doctors and the Third gleefully leaped into the fray with his Venusian aikido while the Fifth looked on resignedly. A local walked by with her shopping, and groaned, "not you lot again..."
The Fourth and Seventh Doctors found themselves in a rocky, quarry-like environment and continued a conversation about their many food allergies which they'd begun back on the cake. An immense crowd of monsters ran toward them, while they bemoaned the effects of Time Lord biology and regeneration on their allergies. The monsters got closer, pushing each other out of the way to be first to the targets. Almost as an afterthought, the Doctors simultaneously pointed their sonic screwdrivers at a pile of rocks and neatly collapsed it onto the entire crowd of enemies, burying them as they blithely bewailed the frustrating state of Gallifreyan medicine vis-à-vis food allergies.
Back at the Queen Vic, the Third Doctor was still happily kicking around Sontarans and Ogrons while the Fifth Doctor chatted with a local about the merits of the biblical advice to turn the other cheek. As the woman turned away and begins to covertly extract a ray gun from her purse, the Fifth Doctor knocked her out from behind with a thrown cricket ball; he recognised her as his old enemy Broton the Zygon; no amount of shape-shifting could mask his incredible body odour. The Third Doctor had the last semi-conscious Sontaran by the collar amidst all his fallen compatriots, and the Fifth suggested it was perhaps time to move on as the crowd of locals seemed weary of their presence.
On the space station, the Second and Sixth Doctors acknowledged that they were obviously running in a circle. They slowed down deliberately, and the Second Doctor feigned a sprained ankle to allow Davros and the Daleks to catch up. As Davros gloated over the chance to kill the Doctor twice over, the Sixth Doctor goaded him into making a bad pun about his imminent victory. The Wildean Wit Enforcer summarily dispatched Davros and the Daleks in a flurry of thrown weaponry. Amidst the smoking wreckage of the Daleks, the Second Doctor stopped the Sixth from reflexively making a bad pun about the situation.
The Beige Guardian watched the battles with increasing horror. He bewailed his constant failures and wondered whether he had not been trying too hard to get the other Guardians of Time to take him seriously. While he was distracted, the First and Eighth Doctors worked together to break free of the cake. They used a giant fork to launch one of the dynamite "candles" at the Guardian just as it exploded, disintegrating him.
All the other Doctors reappeared by the cake. The Eighth Doctor began to explain his deduction that the Beige Guardian had been merely a collection of electronic impulses, easily dissipated by the explosion, but the First Doctor cut him off and explains the same deduction in a longer-winded manner. The Fourth Doctor questioned the nature of the Doctors' own existence; what if they were all just electronic impulses arranged for someone's amusement? The Third Doctor scoffed at the idea, while the Eighth Doctor responded that if such a thing is true, he hopes whoever was at the controls did not decide to cheat.