The Happiness Patrol was the police-like organisation of Terra Alpha in the time of Helen A's rule. The Patrol inforced laws against being sad, setting out to find killjoys and make them disappear.

The Happiness Patrol was composed mostly of women, though a few men served as snipers and Silas P was the undercover Patrol. The women wore short trench coats and had white face paint with pink and purple wigs. They used "fun guns" with barrels like ice cream cones that fired bullets, and travelled through the city in armoured buggies. There were at least six Patrols, with Happiness Patrol B being the anti-terrorist squad, and Happiness Patrol F seeming to handle "routine disappearances." During its run, the Patrol carried out 500,005 disappearances in six months.

Anyone who wasn't happy were taken out by the Patrol, with rumours that Helen A favoured the firing squad. A victim would think they have just been pardoned when the Patrol is dismissed, only to be killed by the Fondant Surprise supplied by the Kandyman. Compared to him, the Happiness Patrol were seen as the nice side of Helen A's regime. (TV: The Happiness Patrol)

Members of the Happiness Patrol included Silas P, Daisy K, Susan Q and a splinter of Clara Oswald. (TV: The Happiness Patrol; COMIC: Blood and Ice)

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