Aliens & Sex & Chips & Gravy was the second audio episode of Aliens Among Us.
Has Cardiff really been invaded by aliens? Tyler thinks he's found a lead – the daughter of the mysterious Ro-Jedda is getting married and has booked a private party. If Torchwood can infiltrate it, there's a chance they'll end up closer to the truth. Free bar, canapes, and the chance to find out what's really going on. What could possibly go wrong? Soon Torchwood are on the run for their lives, and learning more than they ever wanted to about alien life.
Ng sits in a posh bar with Tyler, who tells her about his new job at the Mayor's office. Ng knows that the bar being the location of a rich alien's daughter's hen night and Tyler admits that the Mayor wants Torchwood to make sure it does not get out of hand. Mr Colchester arrives and dismisses Tyler, telling him that they were ahead of him and already knew about the hen night.
Mr Colchester makes a wager with Ng, betting £50 that the night will go badly. They begin to mingle when Madrigal runs over Mr Colchester's foot with her suitcase and tells him that she should leave. Meanwhile, Ng speaks to Todd and Gareth. Regrouping, Ng and Mr Colchester come to the conclusion that the aliens do not have spacecraft and that they still need the Rift for something.
Even more women arrive with suitcases and the hen night begins with the women all drink vodka. Mr Colchester is sceptical about them being aliens and thinks that Jack, whom he admits to not liking, is wrong about them. A stripper arrives and the women eat him. Brongwyn kills Dean and encourages Madrigal to eat what is left of him. Ng interrupts and Madrigal agrees with her. Mr Colchester drills into Bronwyn's suitcase, killing her, and Ng tells Madrigal and the others that they must behave if they want to stay in Cardiff.
Ng calls Andy to have the women arrested, but she and Mr Colchester flee in Colin's car with an armed Madrigal when they realise that a private security detail are after them. Madrigal has them stop to buy alcohol from an off licence and Mr Colchester calls Colin while waiting before they are forced to drive away from the angry shopkeeper. They hear on the news that the bar was firebombed and Red Doors presumed guilty, with fire drones killing any who escaped. Ng tries to call Tyler.
Mr Colchester refuses to continue driving away from the attackers and drinks some of Madrigal's vodka until she agrees to answer his questions, telling him that they are called the Sorvix and that they have come to Cardiff to find God. They go to a Sorvix rehabilitation clinic for Madrigal's friend, Quenel, whom her mother put into a coma before paying Brongwyn to be her new best friend. Looking for aspirin, they go to the hospital where Madrigal and Quenel fall asleep. When they wake up, they argue.
The four hear voices and run to a ward of dying patients where Quenel and Madrigal eat an old woman's tumour. Mr Colchester calls both Jack and Tyler, who are having sex, and asks Tyler to send the police to the hospital or else he will tell the news that there is an armed terrorist raid. The police arrive before a Sorvix is able to kill them.
Madrigal and Quenel tell Ng and Mr Colchester that they have come to find a new god as their old one left them down. Quenel leaves them by joining a man driving a truck. Madrigal, having been manipulated by Mr Colchester, stays and waits for her fiancé. When he arrives, she gives Ng and Mr Colchester a hug and says goodbye.
Mr Colchester drops Ng off. She is greeted by Mary, who has been babysitting Anwen and is worried about Ng, believing that there has been something wrong with her for the past few weeks. She asks Ng how she wants her tea, which she realises is strange given that she has known how she likes her tea for thirty years. Gwen tries to tell her to smile and leave it. Ng tells Mary that she can sometimes hear Gwen's voice in her head and Mary asks her who she is. Ng shoots her.
- Captain Jack Harkness - John Barrowman
- Mr Colchester - Paul Clayton
- Ng - Alexandria Riley
- Tyler Steele - Jonny Green
- Gwen Cooper - Eve Myles
- Madrigal - Sophie Colquhoun
- Quenel - Rhian Marston-Jones
- Brongwyn - Lu Corfield
- Osian - Rhys Whomsley
- Mary Cooper - Sharon Morgan
- Mr Colchester says that Madrigal thinks they are an Uber.
- Madrigal steals from an off licence.
- Mr Colchester wears his best brogues.
- The Sorvix drink vodka.
- Quenel asks for a decongestant to get "really wasted".
- Mr Colchester has never liked white spirits.
- Ng guessed that Mr Colchester and his husband's favourite movie is North by Northwest.
- Madrigal was attracted to her last driver, whom she thinks Brongwyn might have eaten.
- Rhys Williams is on a night out with Banana Boat.
- Todd and Gareth were humans not invited to Madrigal's wedding but crashed it for free booze.
- Brongwyn eats Dean, another human guest.
- Mr Colchester was stationed in Basra at some point during his military service.
- Mr Colchester's husband drives a Volvo.
- Mr Colchester sarcastically calls Madrigal Liz Taylor.
- Barbara Hepworth is mentioned.
- The Sorvix get addicted to aspirin.
- Madrigal can smell Quenel's pherispore, which Sorvix give off when they hibernate.
- Sorvix naturally go into hibernation when they get sick. Mystics choose to go into hibernation to find God.
- Brongwyn says that hatch-mother will have her revenge.
- The Fallen Tyrant of Taladel was forcibly kept in a cocoon state for 4,000 years, after which he was awoken to see how everyone that he knew and everything that he fought for was gone. He was then killed.
- Ro-Jedda was weakened when she came through the Rift and cannot cocoon as a result.
- Sorvix young are abandoned on the Isle of Broken Glass and must crawl their way back to their parents or die.
- Sorva has lava pools.
- The Sorvix have tendrils and mouths on their backs.
- Ro-Jedda is planning to buy Aneurin Bevan Hospital.
- In order to cut off Cardiff from the rest of the country, the Sorvix secretly organised railway engineering works on the Severn Tunnel to overrun and blew up the Severn Bridge blaming it on the non-existent Red Doors terrorist group.
- For the Sorvix, dying human smells like gorgonzola.
- It is shameful for Sorvix to show their illness publicly.
- Mr Colchester is aware of Daleks.
- Mr Colchester calls Madrigal a bint.
- 3Sol use chronoscrubbers to remove Tweets and videos.
- There are panic buttons in the hospital.
- Ng mentions Aberdare.
- Ng lives in Whitchurch.
- The National Health Service was founded by Aneurin Bevan.
to be added
- Ng recalls Gwen Cooper getting "knocked up by an alien". (TV: Something Borrowed)
- The crew of the Ice Maiden have "dumped" Jack. (COMIC: World Without End, Station Zero)