A Funny Turn (short story)

A Funny Turn was a free short story in the Lethbridge-Stewart series.

Plot
As a recently promoted captain in 1957, Lethbridge-Stewart and other soldiers mark the 148th anniversary of the Battle of Talavera: which means various regimental skits, with Alistair representing the Scots Guards with "The Amazing Alistair and Angus, the Talking Bearskin", before doing various games. The junior officers play a game of "mess rugby" and after successfully scoring a 'try' in the officer's mess, he has to quaff an unknown drink from the Cup (actually old regimental plate) in order for the Scots Guards to 'beat' the Grenadiers and Coldstream Guards. Lethbridge-Stewart duly wins.

When Alistair's ceremonial bearskin starts to move, the drunken soldiers assume he's doing a trick while he angrily thinks someone's pranking him. To everyone's shock, the bearskin bites Lieutenant Carson. The bearskin develops glowing red eyes and attacks Alistair; the officers are soon forced to take shelter from it behind the bar. Falling back on training, the confused Alistair clings to his training and fakes confidence in front of his sergeant, Munroe.

The drunken officers run through several plans and Hulland-Rumney (most senior and most sober) on using the mess hall's Russian sabres. Alistair is left out due to his bearskin-caused leg wound. Unfortunately, the bearskin hat continues to live despite being skewered. Munroe strikes it with a skewer and that causes a small silver sphere to abandon the bearskin - and start to roll away. Carson stamps on it until it breaks.

Everyone is left confused about whether this might be Russian and decide to guard the remains until it can be reported to a senior officer. Alistair is left depressed that his ceremonial bearskin is now irrepairable but Munroe lets him know these things happen, and the Quartermaster will quietly replace a bearskin in exchange for a bottle of good stuff. Fairfax tries to lighten the mood by joking it was lucky or Alistair he'd taken the bearskin to the party and not to his room as usual; realising that he would have been quietly killed if that had happened, Alistair throws up.

The Great Intelligence is cast out of 1957, enraged it has wasted energy on an elaborate plan that has failed. Next, it will strike at Lethbridge-Stewart before he has a chance to become a soldier.

Characters

 * Captain Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart
 * Captain Fairfax
 * Captain Hulland-Rumney
 * Lieutenant Ponsonby
 * Sergeant Munroe
 * Major Lennox
 * Captain Selby
 * Lieutenant Arlington-Bolt
 * Lieutenant Forster
 * Lieutenant Halliday
 * Lieutenant Blackwood
 * Lieutenant Carson

Worldbuilding

 * In the Battle of Talavera, the Duke of Wellington's forces won a significant victory in the Peninsular War.
 * One event in the battle is that Captain Sharpe of the South Essex captured a French Eagle - not a historical event but the plot of.
 * The Bearskin is controlled by a minature control sphere.

Continuity

 * Failing to kill Alistair, the Great Intelligence travels further back in time to kill him as a child. (PROSE: The Forgotten Son)