Honeymoon Horrors (short story)

Honeymoon Horrors, as titled on the contents page, was a short story published in October 2011 in The Brilliant Book 2012, tying in with A Christmas Carol. It was told in an epistolary format, including a series of letters from Amy Pond and Rory Williams to the Eleventh Doctor about the progress of their honeymoon as well as facsimiles of in-universe flyers in their possession: Play Among the Stars, and Come Aboard the Thrasymachus for the ship Thrasymachus, and Welcome, traveller, to Sardicktown for Sardicktown itself.

Summary
Amy Pond and Rory Williams's attempt at a space-time-hopping honeymoon keeps going wrong, interrupted by various adventures. When they eventually find a brochure for an inviting space cruise ship, they think they've finally found the peaceful retreat they need, little suspecting that the ship will fly over, and crash-land towards, the exceedingly unpleasant township of Sardicktown, whose flyer advertises such highlights as Dr Henry Fizzog's Museum of the Macabre and "the largest collection of antique and decorative pins in the Horsehead Nebula".

Plot
Amy Pond and Rory Williams are trying to enjoy their honeymoon, and send the Eleventh Doctor letters reporting on their progress. Their first destination was the Globe Theatre on 13 January, 1605, where they saw a performance of Romeo and Juliet, enjoying it despite the stink of the crowd. However, things got worse quite quickly after the curtain call, with William Shakespeare trying to come on to Amy and King James I trying to have Amy and Rory thrown in the Tower when he overhears Rory saying that they know the Doctor. Amy writes the Doctor a postcard which ends with a request to pick them up from the wine cellar of their hotel, where they are hiding in empty barrels.

The Doctor's next recommendation is the Gardens of Zul-Thep on 9 July 3104, where they are attacked by giant killer bees attracted by the jam they brought for their picnic. Rory sends the Doctor a voice-mail urgently asking him to pick them up.

Their next destination is 1881 Arizona, but Wyatt Earp turns out to be "nothing like the films", and tries to shoot Rory. There are also large numbers of aliens hanging about. Amy sends the Doctor a telegram asking him to come stop the aliens and the randier cowboys, and also to bring some Salvon for Rory, who's had a "cactus accident".

Their next stop is a beach on Drago 14 where their beach day is ruined by acid-spitting land squids who melt Rory's Terry Pratchett book and also give him an acid burn on his thumb. Rory is further put out when a visit to a bookshop yields no replacement, as Pratchett's book has been out of print for "almost four hundred years" and, in point of fact, the shop no longer sells print books at all. However, in a travel agent's next to a shop that sells acid-proof towels, Amy finds a brochure for Solaris World Holidays' long, romantic cruises on the Thrasymachus. The two become set on the idea, especially as the picture of the "Mr and Mrs P from Earth" giving a testimonial for the Honeymoon Special are in fact themselves, suggesting it is a foregone conclusion that they'll go on the cruise at a slightly earlier point in time.

However, another brochure of which take little note, Welcome, traveller, to Sardicktown advertises their real destination: Sardicktown, a city whose tagline is "Enjoy your visit! But don't linger too long." and where notable sights range from Garglespike's collection of pins to the Duckchester Tanneries whose tanners "can strip the hide off a giant Camoose in less than five minutes", the Scratchington Fish Market, Dr Henry Fizzog's Museum of the Macabre, and of course Sardick Towers, which is not even open to the public but which "you can see from most streets if you crane your neck". It includes a peculiar number of dire warnings about the weather and the savagery of large flying fish.

Characters

 * Eleventh Doctor
 * Amy Pond
 * Rory Williams
 * Crook
 * Blight
 * Bancock
 * Kazran Sardick
 * Garglespike
 * William Shakespeare
 * James I
 * Wyatt Earp
 * Raoul
 * Gourmandroid X7

Worldbuilding

 * Exhibits in Dr Henry Fizzog's Museum of the Macabre include the mummy of King Zadok the Gory, the larvae of a "giant Gastropod", and "a wide variety of torture and executional implements from across the galaxy".
 * Sardick Towers is in a "Modern Gotho-Baroquezantine" style.
 * Appointments with Kazran Sardick should be registered with the Assistant Deputy Sub-Manager of Administrative Assistance at "the offices of Sardick, Sardick & Sons", 91 Throttleby Lane.
 * Rory Williams is familiar with a Michael Caine featuring (normal-sized) killer bees.
 * The Thrasymachus is the largest cruise ship in the Solaris World Holiday fleet.
 * The Flamingo Bongos are a bio-calypso band.
 * Prior to becoming the Thrasymachus 's onboard chef, Gourmandroid X7 starred in the "hit TV shows" Robochef and Robochef's Software Nightmares. Gourmandroid is an expert at "stunningly authentic food substitutes".
 * Space War II ration books are mentioned.
 * McLintock's Candy Burgers is a highly popular fast-food chain. There are McLintock's booths every six metres on the ship.
 * The Thrasymachus makes fly-by of Halley's Comet twice every week.
 * Globo the Clone-Clown's World of Fun boasts "the largest ball bit ever constructed, with a volume of over four cubic kilometers".

Continuity

 * Amy and Rory meet William Shakespeare (TV: The Chase, The Shakespeare Code, AUDIO: The Time of the Daleks) and Wyatt Earp. (TV: The Gunfighters)
 * James I is angry with the Doctor on behalf of "his cousin". (TV: The Shakespeare Code, The Day of the Doctor, etc.)