Dalek: Spoof Scenes (short story)

Dalek: Spoof Scenes was a comedic short story written by Robert Shearman. The story was written in screenplay format, and presented as a series of excerpts from "early scripts" for Dalek, featuring monsters other than Daleks. In reality, Shearman wrote the story specially for Doctor Who: Lockdown!. It was posted on Emily Cook's Twitter account after the conclusion of the online watch-along of the episode.

Publisher's summary
The Daleks were only one of the old monsters under consideration to return to Doctor Who for its revival in 2005. Here are some exclusive extracts from ‘Dalek’ writer Robert Shearman’s early scripts that showcased some alternatives…

Plot
The Doctor walks into a darkened room, and offers to help an imprisoned creature. When the lights come on, he recognises it as the Taran Wood Beast, the enemy in the Time War. Van Statten and Goddard watch on a video screen as the Wood Beast prepares to mildly irritate the Doctor. When it states that it is awaiting orders, the Doctor reveals that it will never receive any, as he destroyed the planet Tara and wiped out its inhabitants. The Wood Beast is horrified.

Later, armed guards storm the concrete killing zone. The Doctor, in Van Statten's executive office, speaks to them over the intercom, advising them to aim for the enemy's gills. The Myrka waddles into view, and the soldiers open fire. Unharmed by their bullets, it manipulates its rubbery body into an unlikely karate stance. The commander looks tempted to engage it in close-quarters combat, but the Doctor warns him that having its high-voltage electrical body kicked is exactly what the Myrka wants.

Finally, the Doctor approaches his enemy with a gun. Rose Tyler blocks his way, but he insists he must avenge his people. Rose says the creature is changing, and asks the Doctor what he himself is changing into. She steps aside, revealing the Drashig. Its skin splits open and its carapace falls away, revealing the gigantic, wizened old hand of a puppeteer. It beckons to the Doctor and Rose, and everyone is appalled.

Characters

 * Ninth Doctor
 * Henry van Statten
 * Diana Goddard
 * Taran wood beast
 * Myrka
 * Bywater
 * Rose Tyler
 * Drashig

Worldbuilding

 * The Doctor lists Count Grendel and Princess Strella among those killed when he destroyed Tara.
 * The second scene replaces the Dalek with a Myrka but does not confirm if, in this version of the Time War, only Myrka fought or if they were deployed by their Earth Reptile masters. The concept of Earth Reptiles waging a temporal conflict against Gallifrey was previously joked about in The Taking of Planet 5; in the novel, the Eighth Doctor jokes that the Enemy that waged the War in Heaven against the Time Lords could simply be "eighty-seventh-century Earth Reptiles".
 * The Doctor lists Drax, the Meddling Monk, Spandrell, and "my old friend Damon from Arc of Infinity" among those who died in the war with the Drashigs.

Story notes

 * In reality, Shearman did have to write an alternative version of the episode, featuring a different alien race as the enemy in the Time War, as it was unclear whether a deal would be reached to license the Daleks from Terry Nation's estate. However, this script did not feature a classic Doctor Who monster, but a cyborg "future human", an original creation suggested by Russell T Davies. This concept and design were subsequently reused as the Toclafane in The Sound of Drums. (REF: Doctor Who: The Writer's Tale - The Final Chapter)
 * Upon release, this story had no clear title, being only labelled as a "Dalek alternative script extract". It received the title of Dalek: Spoof Scenes months later upon its rerelease on the Doctor Who: Lockdown website.