User:Thefartydoctor

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The Farty Doctor or Doctor Vern was a Time Lord curator of the Archive. Over their long life and throughout their many incarnations, they met numerous versions of the Doctor, their friends and other inhabitants of the Multiverse. Upon retiring to the Ritz Tower in 2017, Doctor Vern began to compile some of the adventures told to them by these people onto numerous Wikis, such as Tardis Wiki and the Vienna Wiki.

The First Vern - The Clumsy One
A tall, thin and handsome man in a long light blue jacket, crisp white shirt, firey ginger hair and a blue bowtie, the First Vern was kind and loyal to the Division. His first job was to hunt down the renegade known as The Doctor and the daughter of the Lord President of Gallifrey. This led him to the Fluren Temporal Bazaar, where he bumped into the Ninth Doctor, who explained his purpose in the universe. Understanding that the universe "needed more people like him", Vern decided to follow his lead but take a different path. The First Vern took it upon himself to archive all the heroic adventures of the Doctor and his friends and right wrongs along the way. (COMIC: Weapons of Past Destruction)

This version of Vern was extremely clumsy. On a mission by the Time Lords to locate a future K9 unit that would one day go missing in action, in a future war, Vern ended up visiting Alistair Gryffen. He watched from a distance as Gryffen was performing a very dangerous experiment when a robot dog turned up. The time fissure in the room opened for second time and let through a group of Jixen. Vern watched as K9 defended the others from the Jixen, causing K9 to self-destruct. (TV: Regeneration)

Vern returned some time later to find that K9 had rebuilt itself into a sleeker model, which was far less bulky than the original and far better looking, so stop kidding yourselves. While Vern was thinking this, K9 activated and sought out his location. Misinterpreting his body odour as Jixen DNA, K9 fatally wounded Vern in an attempt to protect Dr Gryffen. With Gryffen profusely apologising, Vern dragged himself back to his TT Capsule, where he regenerated into his next body. (TV: Regeneration)

The Second Vern - The Fiery One
A woman with long, dyed ruby hair, and horned glasses, the Second Vern based her operations at the Maldovarium as a waitress, listening for gossip and following any leads that came her way. Overhearing a tip from a mysterious yet handsome gentleman about a near-fatal moon collision, the Second Vern followed the trail to an Earth housing estate where she assumed the guise of a police officer. There, she watched as a young woman saved a group of humans from a rogue Ood. Before she and her friend could resume their travels, she joined the two of them on a hunt for a rampaging Drashig that had escaped through a time corridor from DrashigWorld, under orders from the Fourth Doctor. (AUDIO: Prisoner of the Ood, Planet of the Drashigs)

When Dorium Maldovar was beheaded by the Order of the Headless, the Maldovorium was passed down to Vern. She owned the place in peace until a mysterious Diner appeared out of nowhere. Stealing most of her regulars, Vern took it upon herself to declare a price war upon the Diner's owner. Once again met by the Doctor, this time in his tenth or eleventh form, the Doctor managed to reverse the polarity of their diner and cause it to vanish, leaving the customers behind. She watched as the Doctor then waved from the distance and left in his TARDIS. (TV: The End of Time)

At some point, Vern was hired by a popular gameshow for her extensive knowledge. Spending her days at the studio, recording the gameshow, and her evenings at the bar, she quickly realised that she was losing sight of her true meaning and purpose in life. (PROSE: The Chase)

After a stressful time on the planet Lobos, the Thirteenth Doctor brought Yasmin Khan, Graham O'Brien and Ryan Sinclair to the Maldovorium for spot of tea. Always hungry, Graham asked Vern if they served chips. Telling him that he was a pain in the derriere, Vern located the old chip pan and fried chips for them all. She asked Graham what was with the name change but Graham had no idea what she was on about. The Thirteenth Doctor laughed and said "he had one of them faces... as do you". The Doctor waited for her fam to leave before cryptically wishing her "good luck". (PROSE: The Good Doctor)

Vern had left the chip pan running, accidentally burning down the Maldavorium. This led to a realisation that she had wasted the last few years of this incarnation. She forced herself to regenerate into her next body, reminding herself to meet as many of the Children of Time as possible and archive their adventures. (PROSE: The Good Doctor)

The Third Vern - The Unlucky One
The third incarnation of Vern was a plump ginger man with a bushy, ginger beard, and big glasses. Leaving his previous life behind, the new Vern met up with an old friend of his, Bernice Summerfield, who provided him with a Time Ring, which he promised to return. He used this Time Ring to jump forward in time, where he crashed in a small town by the sea, on a planet far, far away. There, he met two old ladies, Amy and Joy, who made him rock cakes. Despite these rock cakes having broken two of his teeth, their help was much appreciated. He thanked them by making them cheese on toast, which was so dreadful that it led to Amy being hospitalised. After Joy had punched him, dislodging another five teeth, Vern made a hasty retreat. (PROSE: Happy Endings, AUDIO: The Bomb)

Vern booked himself into a Personality Hotel to escape the pressures of modern life. He became a witness to a dreadful murder at the hands of a Psycho Morph. Vern was the only hotel guest who remembered his true identity after the personality reset. He watched as Vienna Salvatori solved the murder and began her career as a law enforcement officer for Crime Corps. When she left the hotel, Vern ran after her and asked her whether or not her adventures were part of the "Doctor Who world". Not knowing what the hell he was talking about, she pulled out her blaster and told him to leave her alone. He hastily used the Time Ring to escape. (AUDIO: Tabula Rasa)

Taking a job as a librarian for a small firm making knock-off Toblerones, his fellow employees fell ill when Radio Yesterday started to broadcast questionable content. Having his complaint to the firm rudely ignored, Vern decided to take it upon himself to visit the spacestation using his Time Ring. There, he met a talking stuffed panda named Panda. Panda told him that he and his friend Iris Wildthyme had it all worked out and that he should "naff off and mind his own business". Vern left abruptly and returned to his work. (AUDIO: Iris Wildthyme and the Sound of Fear)

Vern was given the post as Head Librarian at St Cedd's College in Cambridge in 1666. He spent numerous hours talking about the wonders of the universe with a new friend of his, Chronotis. When the head of the college was outed as a Jingatheen bounty hunter, Chronotis and Vern teamed up to try and capture the Jingatheen murderer. Due to a mix up, the Jingatheen, under the false impression that Vern was a Slitheen due to his rotund stomach, murdered Vern and caused his regeneration. Realising instantly that it was a mistake, the Jingatheen left Earth. (PROSE: Shada)

The Fourth Vern - The Enigma
This version of Vern remained enigmatic and mysterious. With a shaven head of ginger hair and a twiddly moustache, this Vern refused to use gender identity. Shortly after regeneration, the Time Ring had activated and had flung them far back in time to the War between the Time Lords and the Great Vampires. There, they once again met the Ninth Doctor and Rose Tyler. After having introduced themselves to the Doctor and Rose, it soon became apparent that they had met out of order. As the Ninth Doctor and a small army of Vampires joined forces to join the Battle of Mordeela, the Fourth Vern stayed behind the help the Time Lords in their battle. (COMIC: Monstrous Beauty)

Not much more is known of this incarnation. Clive Finch had even set up a website to track the locations of the numerous Verns throughout time and space. He admitted that Doctor Vern was equally as confusing the Doctor. When he offered to show Rose this side project, she took one look at the folder and called it "frankly quite boring, mate". (PROSE: Rose)

The Fifth Vern - Old Ma Vern
Some accounts claim this incarnation of Doctor Vern was born out of a big war. However, no accounts agree as to which war that was. (PROSE: The Day of the Doctor, COMIC: Monstrous Beauty, et al)

This Vern was an old bespectacled woman, who resembled one of the Miss Marple actors. When the Eighth Doctor and Bliss met her, she was instantly arrested by the Time Lords and locked up in Shada due to mistaken identity. When the Twelve convinced the Dreadshade to bust them out of prison and wreak havoc on Gallifrey, the Time Lords and the Doctor were forced to apologise profusely for the inconvenience. (AUDIO: Dreadshade)

Trying to return the Time Ring to Bernice, Vern was trapped in Victorian London, where she met numerous friends and fought numerous foes, including Henry Gordon Jago and George Litefoot, Vastra, Jenny Flint and Strax, and somehow Sherlock Holmes. (AUDIO: The Bloodless Soldier, Spring-Heeled Jack, et al)

Vern was allowed to live in Vastra's basement with some pretty scary slimy creature for numerous weeks while she waited for the Time Ring to repair itself. Out of patience, a very angry Benny turned up with her own Time Ring and scolded her, allowed her "one last trip" before reclaiming her bracelet. (AUDIO: Whatever Remains, PROSE: Happy Endings)

The Fifth Vern decided that she had had enough of travelling and wished to retire to the Archive. Bernice happily obliged and, upon arriving there, Vern tripped over a copy of Kronos Vad's History of Earth Volume 36,379 and began to regenerate. Unbeknowst to her, the blow to the head had limited her regenerations to one more body. (AUDIO: The Archive)

The Sixth Vern - The Retiree
This version of Vern suffered from a strange condition. Their appearance changed every time they went to sleep. Every day they woke up with a new face, sometimes from the past, and sometimes one of those that could have been. This Vern always maintained their red hair as a symbol that they were Doctor Vern. After having spent numerous centuries at the Archive, Vern was collected by the Sixth Doctor, who took them "to claim their reward". The Sixth Doctor took Vern to their brand new, fully furbished penthouse suite at the Ritz Tower, in Cardiff 2017. There, they were offered a job at Torchwood Three. Typically, their retirement was cut short when their neighbours got jealous of his view and attempted to kill them. (AUDIO: A Kill to a View)

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