Enter Wildthyme (novel)

Enter Wildthyme was a 2011 novel written by Paul Magrs which acted as an introductory story to the Iris Wildthyme series.

Although Iris Wildthyme, Panda, and the Celestial Omnibus played a large part in the story's narrative, the book did not have any Iris Wildthyme series branding.

The novel served a semi-sequel to a Margs' Iris Wildthyme short story The Dreadful Flap, the EDA The Scarlet Empress, and Exchange (a novel published in 2008, but it is not currently covered by the wiki, however it does prominently feature Simon, Kelly, Terrance, and the Great Big Book Exchange). It also was a sort of side-step to Margs' Brenda and Effie series, as the character of Magda appeared in Fellowship of Ink.

It also brought together many elements from his past work. It featured concepts originating from every Doctor Who novel written by Magrs before Enter Wildthyme's release. It also used elements from Magrs' Doctor Who audio stories Ringpullworld and Horror of Glam Rock.

Enter Wildthyme introduced the character Vince Cosmos, who would go on to appear in several stories, including his own spin-off, Vince Cosmos: Glam Rock Detective.

Publisher's summary
Time and Space. Good and Evil. Gin and Tonic.

A novel which takes us from a dusty secondhand bookshop on Darlington, clear across the galaxy aboard a celestial double decker bus... all the way to the outlandish world of Hyspero, and the throne room of the Scarlet Empress... and the very brink of the strange pocket dimension called The Obverse...

This is a story about an object — a glass jar with mysterious contents — being the focus of a chase between Iris Wildthyme, Panda and their new friend Simon, and a bunch of gentlemen pirates of the Dogworld, who are determined to retrieve the strange jar and its even stranger contents.

Plot
Orbiting Earth in 2011, the spaceship, Begins at Home, is boarded by Terrance, a plastic armed owner of the quaint bookshop, the Great Big Book Exchange. Terrance takes what resembles an old, greyed jam jar, however the Begins at Home has also been boarded by Dog Pirates, who are also hunting for the jar. The Dog Pirates proceed to massacre the crew as Terrance leaves, and the final crew member decides to jettison everything in the Begins at Home 's cargo hold in order to at least delay the Dog Pirates. The Pirates then kill the survivor.

Back down on Earth, Kelly is waiting at the East Coast Line train station in Darlington for her old friend, Simon, as he's returning home from University. At first she's anxious about whether or not Simon will recognise her, but these doubts disappear when they meet, as the bond between them hasn't changed.

Terrance has since vanished, but not before entrusting the jar to Kelly, with instructions to give it so Simon upon his arrival, as well as to have Simon become the new owner of the Great Big Book Exchange.

Kelly asks Simon if he would accompany her to her poetry class, and he obliges. Later that day Anthony Marvelle, along with Missy, enter the Great Big Book Exchange, as he is also looking for the mysterious jar, and although Simon refuses to give it him, Anthony takes it behind Simon's back.

That evening, at the poetry class, Simon decides not to tell Kelly that the jar had been stolen. Outside, a Routemaster 22 had been carelessly parked, much to Simon's displeasure. Kelly believes that the bus belonged to a bunch of new agers, and she expresses worry over the "famous poet", Antony Marvelle, hosting the bulk of the the night's meeting.

As the congregation of people begins clear at around midnight, a drunken Iris Wildthyme shows up, mouthing off at anything and everything. As time passes, Simon gets acquainted with Iris, and Kelly gets seduced by Anthony's mesmerising ability Simon knows that they are getting intimate with each other, which he is very uncomfortable with. This drives him to confront Anthony about him stealing the jar, which Anthony denies, and Kelly believes that Simon's drunk.

After Simon's failed confrontation, he goes back Iris, and she voices her suspicions about Anthony. They get drunk together, and later on Simon walks Iris back to her bus, and despite trying to get her not to drive it, she does, and the bus subsequently dematerialises. Unbeknownst to Simon, at this time Kelly and Anthony sleep together.

The next morning, Simon is woken up abruptly from his new home on the second floor of the Great Big Book Exchange, as Iris pounds on the front door. Iris has come to tell Simon that she senses that trouble is afoot, and Simon tells her that the he had a nightmare, where the glass jar that Terrance had indirectly given him was filled with blood and an eye, which Iris disregards as silly, laughing about it. She convinced Simon not to open the Exchange for business temporarily, as she requires help from Simon.

Iris tells Simon about Panda, MIAOW, and her Celestial Omnibus. Simon is growing increasingly concerned about Kelly, as she isn't answering her phone. They arrive at Magda's Mysteries, a fellow bookshop that specialises in science-fiction, which hides the entrance to the underground headquarters of MIAOW. Jenny acts very unfriendly towards Simon, but her attitude changes when Iris tells her that Simon had the jar, or rather, the Objet D'Oom.

As the Darlington branch of MIAOW had been frantically searching for the Objet, Jenny decides to try and steal it back off from Anthony, so she quickly leaves the MIAOW headquarters and she makes her way to the hotel where Anthony is staying.

Iris introduces Simon to Barbra, a servo-furnishing, and Barbra tries to convince Iris to take her with her on Iris' bus, but Iris awkwardly declines. The duo leave the MIAOW headquarters, as they beat off towards the Darlington town centre, where Iris reveals that the Scotch Corner Hotel actually exists within seven dimensions, and that it's also the gateway to the multiverse. Iris and Simon head to the Celestial Omnibus, and they, along with Panda, use it to travel to the now unmanned Begins at Home, to investigate the bric-a-brac that had been falling from the ship into the Earth's atmosphere, killing a few Darlington citizens when various things collided with them. They find two Vatrexii corpes, along with poodle hair.

They hear an almighty noise not to far from them, and when they investigate the noise they find a barely alive Vatrexii, Harfolg, who tell the motley crew of the number 22 about the attack of the Dog Pirates. Harfolg dies in front of them, and Iris deduces that Anthony Marvelle must be linked to the Dog Pirates.

Back on Earth, Kelly finally replies to Simon, denying that she had nothing more than a conversation with Marvelle, hiding the truth from Simon. Simon decides to meet in her in person, to tell her about his day, but Kelly doesn't believe him. Iris bursts into the Exchange, and tells Simon and Kelly that Jenny failed to retrieve the Objet D'Oom. Panda climbs out of Iris' bag, utterly startling Kelly, and she realises everything Simon said was true.

After Kelly decides to help Iris, Panda, and Simon, they head into that past to have dinner, so they can get everything in order. They arrive in Montmartre, Paris, in June 1894. Iris asks Simon if he's gay, to which he confirms. Kelly is getting increasingly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things going on, especially Panda, the sentient stuffed toy. Outside, a Martian spaceship heralds their invasion force. Iris refuses to do anything about it, as her past self had thwarted the Martians seven years in the local future. They head over to the Moulin Rouge to dance away the night. After Iris has finished dancing, Kelly blanches and tells Iris that she had just seen Anthony and Missy spying on them.

Iris now decides that it's imperative they get to South Kensington in 1973, as she needs to get to her office, as she has many items stored there that are too precious for her to take on the number 22. They arrive, and Iris finds that the item she came for, the Blithe Pinking Shears, have been taken already by Anthony. Now, Anthony has the ability to create rifts in space, enabling him to travel significantly easier, and it makes him much harder to track.

This puts Iris into a sulk, even though she denies it, as they get back into the bus. In the Maelstrom, Simon spots what Pand calls Roadkill, "The spectres and victims of millennia of time travel". Panda also likens them to Time Zombies. They arrive back on Earth, Kelly leaves, and Iris, Panda, and Simon decide to inform MIAOW of what going on.

Kelly helps Chelsea clean up some of the mess left over from the poetry class, and she discovers a letter addressed to her from Anthony, claiming that Iris has been lying to her, and that he, Anthony, is both her friend and not a villain.

Meanwhile, Barbra reminisces of her past, about how MIAOW had been more than willing to dismantle her, and that Iris was the one that saved her. Deep down, Barbra is afraid of what MIAOW could do to her. Less than an hour later, Jenny bursts in, flustered at her lack of progress, and slightly envious of how Iris can blunder in and find out so much information so easily. Barbra though, has decided to find Iris and her bus, as Iris promised her that she could go with them on an adventure, and Barbra has a deep longing to go now, so she quickly goes through Darlington, doing her best to draw as little attention as she can. She arrives at the Great Big Book Exchange, literally and accidentally smashes through the front window, causing Kelly to drop her coffee onto her laptop in surprise. Kelly tells Iris and company that Barbra has arrived, and they take Barbra aboard the number 22 to talk privately, as to not draw any more attention to Barbra. Reluctantly, Iris allows Barbra to come with them to find Anthony and the Objet D'Oom.

As Jenny heads across Darlington, a group of Dog Pirates surround her, Anthony leading the group. Anthony uses the Blithe Pinking Shears to open up a rift, and as Jenny believes it's her duty, she accompanies him in order to try to retrieve the Objet D'Oom, or to at least achieve something.

Arriving on Valcea, the crew of the number 22 find themselves in a thick jungle. While breakfast is being prepared, Simon pops to the toilet in the second level of the bus. After he finished his business, he notices a bookshelf with Iris' diaries placed haphazardly inside. A deep curiosity wills him to the one of the diaries, and he places it inside his coat. Not long later, the group decide to venture out into the jungle, towards a small town a few miles away. Suddenly, a massive beast, what appears to be a cross between a bull elephant and a rhino, with immense, savage tusks, and it has a translucent, glass-like skin, that allows it to blend virtually seamlessly into the jungle. As it charges them, Iris, Panda, and Simon manage to evade it, only to see that Barbra, which the beast hadn't even comprehended at first, causing a distraction, so upon Barbra's instructions, they flee. Simon is aghast at Barbra seemingly dying, so they return to where they expect to see a destroyed Barbra, only to find to their great surprise that Barbra had somehow managed to kill the massive animal. Even Barbra herself is unsure of how she managed to do it.

Anthony, Missy, and Jenny arrive in the Moulin Rouge not long after Iris and her friends left. Anthony gives Jenny a shot of Absinthe to help calm her bowels. They head outside, and the Martians are firing off their heat ray. Jenny questions Anthony about them, as she knows that there definitely was not an alien invasion nineteenth century. Anthony promises to return, and he and Missy leaves Jenny to give instructions to Martian Time Agents.

It's nighttime on Valcea, and Iris, Panda, Simon, and Barbra are still trekking through the jungle, and they finally reach civilization. Upon arrival, they see that the buildings are little more than wooden shacks, and Panda miraculously leads them to a inn, The Winged God. After entering the inn, they hear a raucous outside, and a carriage pulled by horses with elephantine trunks and clawed feet. Both the carriage and the horses are covered in thousands of tiny mirrors. Four young boys and two young girls climb aboard, much to the distress of their families and friends, and Panda suspects it's some sort of sacrificial ritual.

Back inside, Panda orders drinks from the bartender, and the bartender warns Iris about singing songs from the old times on Valcea. Later thst night, while everybody is asleep, Simon is awake due to insomnia, and he wishes that he had brought a book to read. His boredom leads him to remrmber that he did in fact bring a book - Iris' diary. He can't help himself as he flicks through the book, marvelling at all the curiosities inside. After reading a good portion of the diary, he falls asleep.

Back in Darlington, entire weeks have moved on without Simon, Iris, or Panda returning, so Kelly resumed working at the Great Big Book Exchange. She kept going to the poetry meetings at the Arts Centre too. Magda though, decides to meet up with Kelly.

Anthony and Missy returned to Jenny, and now she found herself in the Super Hotel Miramar, situated on the edge of the Golden Chasm. Anthony had booked Jenny a room in advance, which Missy instructs Jenny to go into. Having no other real options, Jenny enters her room to find the Objet D'Oom innocuously placed on the bedside table.

It's now morning on Valcea, and Iris, Simon, and Barbra are in good spirits, though Panda had nightmares all night so as a consequence he has become quite irritable. The bartender brings them tea, and after he leaves they decide to journey to the once-abandoned City of Glass, where the New Gods reside, the same location the sacrifices are taken to.

Over the Autumn, Kelly and Magda become good friends, and Kelly often buys US-imported books, mostly of Paranormal Mystery and Gothic genres. One day, Magda decided to go into the Great Big Book Exchange, to browse, and she stumbles across a mythical book, the Aja'ib, tucked away in the far corner of the Exchange. The following Friday, Kelly comes over to Magda's home for dinner, and they get talking. Kelly asks Magda if she has a dog, and Magda says no. Then they realise they can hear barking, very close to the farmhouse, and as Kelly goes to check, Anthony Marvelle and Missy have arrived at the house.

Back in the Super Hotel Miramar, Jenny, in the comfort and serenity of her bed, finds herself dreaming. She's in a lesbian bar, just off Skinnergate, and Jenny finds herself sitting on a squashy sofa, talking to a minute woman wearing a red dress, with masses of auburn hair. The tiny woman introduces herself as Euphemia, the first empress of Hyspero. Euphemia goes into say how her people imprisoned her in a jar, or as Jenny knows it, the Objet D'Oom. They then form an alliance, to return Euphemia back to Hyspero. Suddenly, Jenny realises she's awake, an Anthony is telling her to come on. She questions him about why he left the Objet D'Oom so close to her, when for all he knew Kenny would just take it and run, and Anthony responds by saying that he can now trust her, as she didn't run.

Simon is returning to the Celestial Omnibus with Iris, as they know the journey ahead will be a long one. When they arrive at the bus, they see that the hydraulic doors have been wrenched open, with the tell-tale signs of the Pinking Shears. Various things in the bus have been damaged or, in the case of Iris' diaries, stolen.

Cutting back to the invasion of Magda's home, Magda angrily asks Anthony the whereabouts of Jenny, a question he avoids. He mesmerizes and kidnaps Kelly, and he kicks over Magda's wheelchair, causing her to crash down to the floor.

Back in The Winged God, Panda and Barbra are anticipating the return of Iris and Simon, and Barbra gets the bartender to restock her depleted stocks of food. He does so, but with an ulterior motive - he places a egg-like organic explosive device inside of her. An excited Panda exclaims that Iris and Simon have returned.

After being knocked down by Anthony, Magda remembers various things about her past, such as Iris rescuing her in the 1980s, and her early experiences with MIAOW.

After travelling for hours across the Valcean countryside, dusk sets in, so the group sets up a camp for the night. After a while of staying up, Simon falls asleep, only to be awoken by the Wardrobes. They flee back into the Celestial Omnibus, and Iris drives off along a steep, narrow mountain pass, with a massive chasm either side of the road. Several Valcean days pass, and Iris keeps on driving, unfatigued. Unnoticed by Iris, Simon and Panda find that the tear created by Marvelle in the Very Fabric is still there, so they decide to quickly check what's on the other side.

On the other side, Simon is overjoyed to find out that he's a Vince Cosmos concert, as Cosmos was one of his childhood heroes. Simon can't resist the temptation to see one of his favourite musicians play, so he convinces Panda to go into the concert with him.

The opening act of the concert is a performance by the Tomorrow Twins, and when that finished Vince Cosmos steps out on stage, and begins to sing. Panda then notices the two Martian Time Agents that Marvelle had sent on a mission, and Panda bellows out a warning to everybody, simultaneously knocking Simon down to the ground to get him out of the path of any beams shot from the Martians' energy weapons. Surprisingly, Vince is now brandishing his twelve-stringed guitar as a weapon. Their cover blown, the Martian quickly teleport away.

Later that evening, Vince makes Simon and Panda the guests of honour at his after-show party, and Simon definitely knows that his LP of the concert had not ended in a Martian attack, but he chalks this up to interference in time. Vince denies not knowing about the Martians prior to the attack, but his body language tells another story. Simon notices an older woman in a slinky dress, and as he goes to get a closer look the woman reveals herself to be Iris, who is not at all pleased that Simon and Panda skived off while she labouring up the mountain pass. She also tells Simon not to muck about, as Iris has the knowledge of her own past to know that the stakes are much bigger than they anticipated. Taking a bit of responsibility, Simon finds Panda and they go back through the rift back into the Omnibus.

Back on the Celestial Omnibus, they decide to try and catch up with Marvelle as he enters the City of Glass. Iris cheers as the steep narrow road the bus was traversing opens up onto some sort of plateau. They arrive at some sort of village inhabited by people made out of glass, and they don't plan to stay long as they need to get on with he journey. Iris recalls the people's name, the Glass Men of Valcea, but she figures that they've been kicked out of their city by the New Gods. They then notice that the Glass Men are praying to Barbra.

Although the Glass Men can't use language to communicate, they try their best to be accommodating for their goddess and her friends, even though they're an incredibly shy species. Barbra decides to open up to Simon - not entirely, as she also doesn't want to be to trusting in case if somebody wants to harm her (after all, she has a glass front). Barbra opens her front to let Iris grab a drink, however the Glass Men view this as a defacement of their god, so they restrain Iris.

They take Iris away to a comfy sofa, where they then attach electrodes to her head, in order to communicate with her. As they do this, Iris tries to remember her previous encounter with the Glass Men, and she says if she had her diaries she would be able to remember. Simon then confesses to taking one of her diaries prior to Marvelle stealing the rest. Panda boggles at Simon, saying that Simon has broken their trust, however Iris is overjoyed that Simon rescued one.

Characters
(In order of appearance)
 * Terrance
 * Vatrexii
 * Dog Pirates
 * Kelly
 * Simon
 * Anthony Marvelle
 * Missy
 * Iris Wildthyme
 * Panda
 * Magda
 * Barbra
 * Jenny Winterleaf
 * Harfolg
 * Martians
 * Chelsea
 * Bartender
 * Euphemia
 * Tommy Tomorrow
 * Trisha Tomorrow
 * Vince Cosmos
 * Mida Slike
 * Mida Slike

Continuity

 * Panda took offence whenever somebody mentions he's a toy. (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large)
 * Barbra first appeared in (PROSE: Sick Building)
 * Barbra recalls when Iris saved her from the Dreadful Flap and took her to Darlington in 2008. (PROSE: The Dreadful Flap)
 * MIAOW, Mida Slike, the Blithe Pinking Shears, the Poodles, and Hotel Miramar first appeared in PROSE: Mad Dogs and Englishmen.
 * The Blithe Pinking Shears created rifts in space, not unlike the rift in Cardiff and the rifts made by the Shadow Kin. (TV: Aliens of London, For Tonight We Might Die)
 * Jenny got travel sick after travelling through time and space (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large)
 * In The Winged God, Iris sings a song from the old times of Valcea. (PROSE: The Blue Angel).
 * The Glass Men of Valcea previously appeared in (PROSE: The Blue Angel).
 * The Tomorrow Twins previously appeared in (AUDIO: Horror of Glam Rock).
 * Hyspero, the Aja'ib, and the Scarlet Empress first featured in (PROSE: The Scarlet Empress).
 * Jenny and Barbra saw "shark people" in the marketplace on Hyspero. (AUDIO: Doctor Who and the Pescatons)
 * The Ringpull is mentioned multiple times. (AUDIO: Ringpullworld)
 * Panda recalls living with Tom. (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large)
 * The Fourth Doctor and Mrs Wibbsey also visited Paris in June 1894. (AUDIO: The Demon of Paris)