Oh No It Isn't! (audio story)

Based upon the novel of the same title by Virgin,  was the first Bernice Summerfield audio story, and indeed the very first thing that Big Finish Productions commercially released. It and the other stories of this first series were instrumental in Gary Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery's success in obtaining a licence from BBC Worldwide to make original audio dramas based on Doctor Who, a licence which was denied to Russell in 1996.

Introducing Lisa Bowerman as Bernice Summerfield, it also featured Nicholas Courtney, best known for his character Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, as her cat Wolsey. Like almost every story in the first series, it was adapted by Jacqueline Rayner from a Virgin New Adventures novel.

Publisher's summary
"The King's balls get bigger every year!"

What could possibly go wrong on Professor Bernice Summerfield's investigation into the lost civilisation of Perfecton? Nothing, it seems — until they leave the planet and spot a dirty great missile heading towards their ship. But instead of oblivion, Benny finds herself plunged into the strange world of — panto.

Plot
Professor Bernice Summerfield leads an archaeological dig on the planet Perfecton, a previously prohibited world. It was previously home to the Perfectons, a supposedly advanced race even though they never developed spaceflight. It orbits a Red Giant star, which is in imminent risk of supernovae. This was one of the reasons Earth Central lifted the quarantine, but Lieutenant Prince is confident that the ship sensors will detect the star beginning to collapse, giving them 3 hours to evacuate. After bathing, Bernice prepares to read a textbook that was sent to her, but is interrupted when a missile is detected heading for them from the planet. She rushes out to the bridge as the file is loading. The Grel board the Winton, intending to drain its data before moving onto the planet. Both groups are powerless to prevent the missile striking…

Bernice awakens in a beautiful meadow. She is surprised as she remembers the missile striking and believes she is dead and this is some sort of afterlife. She is even more surprised to find Wolsey is here, as an enormous talking cat in a hat with a penchant for singing and that Wolsey seems to believe she is a boy named Dick Whittington. Her behaviour is also changed, as when they find a small house that is messy, she insists on cleaning the house fully, despite the fact she dislikes tidying. She suspects she might have been slipped a drudgery drug, especially when birds and other forest animals show up to assist with the cleaning. She goes to sleep, hoping she will wake up back on the Winton. When she awakes, she encounters more of her archaeology crew: her students as seven dwarfs and Professor Candy as a Dame who is been pursued by the Grel. She is relieved to see the Grel recognise her but they attack and she is injured. They are saved by Lieutenant Prince, who is known here as Prince Charming.

After Bernice's wound is healed, Prince Charming invites her to the Ball held by his father, King Rupert (who is Captain Balsam). Bernice begins to convince Wolsey that this world is not making sense: Wolsey believes they are in England, but has knowledge of things that should not exist in this supposed time, like tea; the dwarfs believe they live in the Land of Good King Rupert; the Prince did not recognise her when they met, but the King seems to be her father and the prince her (unrelated) stepbrother. They are interrupted by the Vizier, who is not someone they know from the ship and a hissing sound is heard whenever he enters. The King has decided Bernice should be married and there are several bachelors at tonight's Ball. In order to reach an "ending" to the multiple stories that seem to be occurring, Bernice decides to accept the marriages of all her prospective suitors, hoping that whatever is controlling these events will become confused and reveal itself. The clock strikes midnight and the Ball fades away. Bernice and her friends are still in this fantasy world, but she is now dressed in rags and forced to clean floors for her two ugly stepsisters. She is visited by her Fairy Godfather who, while talking to Bernice, seems to also be talking to others that only he can see and warns her if she keeps treating this world as a dream or an afterlife, they are all doomed. He also is not someone from the Winton and he grants her three wishes (the first wish had been used to attend the King's Ball, so two remain). She wishes to see who he is talking to, which he obliges, which is revealed to be an audience. Her third is to join them, so she can find an exit from this world. When she finds herself in the audience, she recognises them all as Perfectons, although they are all asleep. They are also in a 20th century Earth Theatre, but when she tries the exit, she finds herself back in the story. Wolsey, Dame Candy and the dwarfs now realise that none of their stories match and that there is something wrong with this world, particularly Wolsey. Bernice deduces that this is because Wolsey was the only non-sentient lifeform on the ship. In order to try to free his memories, Bernice attempts to hypnotise Wolsey, where he remembers seeing the title English Pantomime: A Critical Study by Professor F. Archduke on the computer screen. Somehow, the matter of the thesis has become the matter of their reality.

They visit the Vizier in the hopes he can help them as he, like the Fairy Godfather, is not a character from the ship. He sends them to collect a lamp in a desert outside the palace. However, the dangers encountered in this place is real, compared to the pantomime fights or the wound Bernice received earlier that healed completely. As they hand the lamp over to the Vizier, the Grel arrive with several pantomime villains they have allied with. They steal the lamp, as they recognise it as a powerful artefact. After rubbing the lamp, a genie (who has the form of a giant Perfecton) appears. The Grel believe that such an ally will help them conquer this world, but the genie attacks the Grel. While it is distracted by the Grel's ogre ally, the Vizier uses his magic to transport them all away. The genie begins to destroy this world, first by grabbing the sky (the set backdrop), breaking the fourth wall and allowing the Perfectons to enter the pantomime world. The King sends out a call for a hero to come forth to vanquish the genie. Realising that the pantomime army does not stand a chance against the genie and the Perfectons, Bernice examines the plinth the Vizier planned to put the lamp. Pressing on the indentation on the plinth, Bernice and the others are temporarily transported back to the Winton. The star is nearly ready to go supernovae and the Perfecton missile had pierced the ships databanks. Unable to keep the pressure on the plinth, they soon return to the pantomime world, each remembering a fraction of how they really are. Wolsey is particularly distraught by this; if they return, he will no longer be self-aware and will lose all memories of how he is now. Bernice recognises the Vizier as part of the computer program and how it is somehow generating this world. The Vizier, acting as an exit command, has been pointing them towards the lamp as a form of escape. Transported back to the front of the army, they confront the Perfecton Genie. It claims that the Perfectons elected not to focus on space travel, but to develop Perfecton into the perfect world, only to discover that their world would soon become uninhabitable. Bernice then deduces that the Perfectons then created a computer matrix, combining all the knowledge of the Perfecton race and their own minds and loaded it onto the missile that was fired at the Winton, enabling the Perfectons to take over the host ship and escape, allowing their race to survive. Unfortunately, as the missile pierced the data core at the precise moment the pantomime thesis was been uploaded, the Perfectons became the audience, rather than taking over the crew. The genie is the master program of the Perfecton’s design, inadvertently released by the Grel and can now directly attack the main computer, deleting them all if successful. Bernice tricks the genie into returning back into the lamp and they escape, but are pursued by the Perfecton army. Wolsey sacrifices himself to buy them the time needed to place the lamp on the plinth, ending the Perfecton program and returning them to the ship. They escape the exploding star with seconds to spare and Wolsey, who was injured, receives medical attention.

Cast

 * Bernice Summerfield - Lisa Bowerman
 * Wolsey the Cat - Nicholas Courtney
 * Jayne Waspo / Bitchy - Jo Castleton
 * Michael Doran / Cute - Jonathan Brüün
 * Captain Balsam / King Rupert - Colin McIntyre
 * Lt Prince / Prince Charming - Nicholas Briggs
 * Professor Candy / Dame Candy - James Campbell
 * The Grand Vizier - Mark Gatiss
 * The Grel Master / The Grel - Alistair Lock

Uncredited cast

 * Fairy Godfather / Computer - Nicholas Briggs
 * Grel - Alistair Lock

Disc One

 * 1) God is an enormous cat in a hat?
 * 2) Disturbing a beautiful young woman's underwear.
 * 3) I am not a 'small person'. I am a dwarf. And I'm proud.
 * 4) Do you want your 2:1 or not?
 * 5)  And I've seen you poo!
 * 6) The King's balls get bigger every year!

Disc Two

 * 1) Life is but a dream.
 * 2) He does not want to catch Mad Human Disease.
 * 3) Soft warn thing that smells of Servant Woman.
 * 4) C'mon. Let's get back to the Castle.
 * 5) The reward will be whopping great riches!
 * 6) Don't step on the white tiles.
 * 7) That's not something you see everyday, is it?
 * 8) Give us the lamp!

Continuity

 * Jayne refers to the fact that Bernice served in Spacefleet. Bernice clarifies that she was conscripted. (PROSE: Love and War)
 * Wolsey was given to the Seventh Doctor by Joan Redfern in April 1914. (PROSE: Human Nature) The Eighth Doctor then gave him to Bernice in May 1997. (PROSE: The Dying Days)
 * Bernice refers to the fact that the 20th century is her favourite period of Earth's history. (PROSE: The Dying Days)
 * Bernice refers to her marriage to Jason Kane in Cheldon Bonniface on 24 April 2010 (PROSE: Happy Endings) and their subsequent divorce. (PROSE: Eternity Weeps)