It's Raining Gin (short story)

It's Raining Gin was the eighteenth short story exclusively published in The Curse of Fanfic! charity anthology on 2 August 2020 by Obverse Books in aid of Parkinson's UK. The story, written by Jon Arnold, was an unofficial crossover between The Sooty Show and the Iris Wildthyme series.

Summary
For the latest episode of the The Sooty Show, Matthew Corbett is taking Sooty, Sweep and Soo to the seaside. After meeting Iris Wildthyme, Panda and Soo take Iris's bus to Paris for a romantic meal. Arriving at the beach, everyone is accosted by mean clouds who rain on everyone, so Iris, Sooty, and Sweep use gin pistols to get the clouds drunk and fall asleep.

Twenty weeks later, Soo reveals to Matthew she had a child with Panda, whom she names Scampi, after the meal they shared.

Plot
After welcoming the children in the audience, Matthew Corbett explains that for the latest episode of the The Sooty Show — a special edition that lacks pictures as it would be too expensive to produce despite everyone saving up money all year, as the money has seemingly been lost — he's taking Sooty, Sweep and Soo to the seaside. They arrive at the bus stop, but as they see a bus approach, Matthew realises that its advertised location of Putney Common is a long way away from them. The driver greets them, and to Matthew's displeasure, having met her before, recognises her as Iris Wildthyme. She shouts out to Sooty and asks him for a hug. Sweep squeaks excitedly at seeing Iris, and she pulls out a gun and aims it at him. However, the gun is a glass gin pistol, filled with Bombay Sapphire; she demonstrates its functionality by aiming it into her mouth and squirting, as Sweep frantically squeaked at being held at gun point.

Panda then rakishly flirts with Soo, surprising Matthew as the last time he met Iris, she was travelling with a (probably) human friend. He proposes to take her for lunch at "the most divine" French restaurant while leaving "these uncultured ruffians to their own devices", extending a paw to Soo, and while she is reluctant to leave as she thinks Sooty and Sweep will get into mischief, Panda assures her Iris will look after them. Demurely, she accepts Panda's offer, and they enter the bus and leave, the engine spluttering before it completely disappears, as if it was removed between scenes. Sooty, Sweep, and Iris "conspiratorially" giggle, Iris telling them now they're going to have to some fun, and perhaps even make Matthew, who Iris thinks is a "misery guts", smile. Matthew then tells his viewers to imagine the advert break here while he plays the music, so they'll have to imagine something they want, such as a toy or chocolate.

After the break, Matthew states that the normal bus arrived and had taken them to the seaside. As he speaks about the lovely weather, noting there isn't a cloud in sight, it immediately goes foul and begins to rain. They enter a chippy to escape the rain and to get fish and chips, only to find, after they sit at a table to begin eating, a black cloud has followed them inside and is raining exclusively over their heads. The owner of the shop isn't impressed at the steady flooding of the shop, and Iris climbs on the table and starts scolding the cloud and gesturing to it in ways inappropriate for a family show, although Matthew cannot tell what she is saying due to the thunder. Sooty and Sweep hide under the table, and Matthew states that soon, they'll be getting the paddle they wished to have in the sea. Iris reprimands the cloud, for ruining people's fun, every summer, but the cloud seems to respond with a pleased rumble, but as she continues to glare at the cloud, the thunders begins to sound like a laugh. Matthew observes that everyone else has left the chippy, only to have had more little rainstorms find and drench them despite their best efforts to remain dry.

Sooty gets Iris's attention and whispers his plan to Iris; she rummages inside her handbag to retrieve the gin pistol while Sooty pulls out his magic wand, which he uses on the gin pistol with the children in the audience singing "IZ-ZY WHI-ZZY, LET'S GET BUSY". Iris starts squirting the cloud with "gay abandon", making it more and more drunk with each hit; the cloud rains gin for a moment before collapsing to the ground, falling asleep. Iris leads Sooty and Sweep outside, both of them now also armed with gin pistols through magic, making all the clouds outside drunk. Matthew notes that this is inappropriate for teatime viewing and would annoy the commissioning editors, so he "draws a veil" over this part of the episode. The duo returns, successful in their endeavour, and after Matthew tells them they'd have to deal with anyone who spoils their day, they squirt him with gin, causing them and Iris to laugh. Matthew cleans himself up while a montage of the boys' activities plays.

As the Sun begins to set, Soo and Panda return in Iris's bus, and she tells Matthew what a lovely time she had. Iris enters the bus, giving Panda a "Paddington Bear stare", and soon depart, the bus vanishing like "the cheapest possible special effect". Sooty and Sweep squirt Matthew with their gin pistols, making him wetter than even the cloud did, so before it gets further out of hand Matthew asks the audience to say goodbye.

Twenty weeks later, Soo has a surprise for Matthew; she reveals that had a child with Panda and that she is naming him after the meal they shared — Scampi.


 * "Well, it could have been worse I suppose."

Characters

 * Matthew Corbett
 * Children
 * Dave
 * Mr Tonibello
 * Sooty
 * Sweep
 * Soo
 * Iris Wildthyme
 * Panda
 * Cloud
 * Chippy owner
 * Donkey
 * Donkey owner
 * Scampi

Referenced only

 * Catherine Deneuve
 * Paddington Bear
 * Calamity Jane
 * Gene Kelly
 * Commissioning editors

Language

 * Dave, the producer of The Sooty Show, swore when he said they couldn't afford pictures, but Matthew, upon quoting him, said "bloomin'" instead, to keep it child friendly.

The seaside

 * Matthew wants to go on the big dipper while Sooty wants to go on the ghost train, Sweep is only interested in his lunchtime sausage, and Soo wants to do some sunbathing.
 * Soo brought a swimsuit to wear by the side of the pool.
 * Iris mentions that the cloud always ruins people's fun after they get themselves ready for "a quick dip, an ice cream and a few tatty souvenirs".
 * Iris thinks the cloud has ruined her ciggies.
 * Well-prepared British holidaymakers carry umbrellas, according to Matthew.
 * The clouds follow the holidaymakers, swooping underneath whatever object they try to shelter under, whether it be an umbrella, newspaper, or a doorway.
 * Matthew suggests purchasing a Kiss Me Quick hat.

Species

 * Sooty lost his voice to voice eating wombats on Metebelis Four. The wombats store his voice inside the Cacophony of Doom.

People

 * Dave is the producer of The Sooty Show.
 * Mr Tonibello works behind scenes of The Sooty Show.
 * Matthew thinks Iris is an "daft old bat". He also thinks that someone her age shouldn't leap down the bus's steps, as it is undignified.
 * Matthew is apathetic to Sweep being held at gun point, as he would think it would've been nice to know him if he hadn't been so consistently annoying.
 * Sweep is a little puppy.
 * Iris calls Sweep a "daft apeth" for thinking the gun was a water pistol.
 * Matthew thinks to himself that the issue with Iris is that she doesn't have to get the group to sleep at night after working them up with her funny stories and terrible adventures.
 * Matthew recalls that last time he met Iris, she was travelling with a human companion.
 * Panda thinks that Soo looks as divine as Catherine Deneuve in The Umbrellas of Cherbourg.
 * Sooty gives Matthew a stare, when it begins to rain, which he compares to that of Paddington Bear's.
 * Later, Iris gives Panda a "Paddington Bear stare" after he returned with Soo.
 * Panda is wearing a smoking jacket and a "fetching" red scarf.
 * As the cloud rains on Iris, Matthew thinks Iris looks like a drowned rat, or rather leopard, with her hat dropping down by her ears.
 * Matthew thinks Iris is like a "low rent Calamity Jane".
 * When Iris dances in the raining gin, Matthew thinks she's like Gene Kelly, which he tells the audience to ask their grandparents about.

Food and drink

 * Matthew couldn't even make up the lack of pictures in the latest episode with an ice-cream for Sooty, but there weren't any left in the studio.
 * When Sweep squeaks excitedly, Matthew thinks to himself that the last time he squeaked like that was when he was at Butchers Sausage Fun Park.
 * Iris also gives Sweep a string of sausages that is disproportionate to the size of her handbag.
 * Iris later explains that the inside and the outside don't always match up.
 * Soo tells her friend she'll be back in time for tea.
 * During the break, Matthew guesses that the audience made a cuppa.
 * Matthew worries the meal Soo and Panda shared was Peking Duck.
 * Soo names her child after scampi.

The Sooty Show

 * An episode of The Sooty Show had Sooty and Sweep drink ginger beer, which caused trouble.
 * In the montage, the boys paddle in the sea until they get knocked over by the waves, they ride on a donkey until Sweep runs off after scares it, and they get ice creams, but Sweep trips over and his ice cream lands in Matthew's face.
 * Matthew later mentions he'll get his revenge on them.

Continuity

 * Curiously, this story is not the first to depict Sooty existing as a real individual, as the 2008 short story The Beasthouse, written by Lawrence Miles, also depicted Sooty existing in-universe; he was the target of an assassination attempt by the Syndicate.