Happy Deathday (comic story)

Happy Deathday is a comic featuring Izzy Sinclair aboard the Doctor's TARDIS.

Summary
It seems the Beige Guardian has kidnapped all eight Doctors, and is forcing them to defeat all their past enemies at once; a task the Doctors just find tedious. Events, however, are not quite as they appear.

Plot
The Beige Guardian has kidnapped all eight incarnations of the Doctor, tied them up, and placed them on a huge birthday cake with hissing dynamite "candles" strapped to their heads. The Beige Guardian produces every enemy the Doctors have ever defeated and announces that the Doctors will be forced to defeat them all again, an idea the Doctors find tedious. Leaving the First and Eighth Doctors tied to the cake with their explosive candle fuses burning, the Beige Guardian sends the rest to battle their collected enemies.

The Sixth and Second Doctors find themselves on a space station, and encounter what at first appears to be a Raston Warrior Robot, but it's worse; it's a Wildean Wit Enforcer, a creature which immediately kills any source of bad puns. The Sixth Doctor notes that they're still in a lot of trouble. Davros and the Daleks show up, and proceed to chase the Doctors through the stations corridors.

The Third and Fifth Doctors find themselves outside the Queen Victoria Pub from EastEnders, just as a crowd of intoxicated Ogrons and Sontarans are being barred. The monsters drunkenly pick a fight with the Doctors, and the Third gleefully leaps into the fray with his Venusian aikido while the Fifth looks on resignedly. A local passes by with her shopping, groaning "not you lot again..."

The Fourth and Seventh Doctors find themselves in a rocky, quarry-like environment and continue a conversation they began on the cake about their allergies to various foods. A massive crowd of monsters are running toward the Doctors, who blithely continue bemoaning the effects of Time Lord biology and regeneration on their allergies. The monsters get closer, pushing each other out of the way to be first to the targets. Almost as an afterthought during their chat, the Doctors simultaneously point their sonic screwdrivers at a pile of rocks and neatly collapse it onto the entire crowd of enemies, burying them at once as they calmly continue bemoaning the frustrating state of Gallifreyan medicine vis-à-vis food allergies.

Back at the Queen Vic, the Third Doctor is still happily kicking around Sontarans and Ogrons while the Fifth Doctor chats with another local about the merits of the biblical advice to turn the other cheek. As the woman turns away and begins to covertly extract a ray gun from her purse, the Fifth Doctor knocks her out from behind with a thrown cricket ball; he recognised his old enemy Broton the Zygon, as no amount of shape-shifting could mask his incredible body odour. The Third Doctor has the last semi-conscious Sontaran by the collar amidst all his unconscious compatriots, and the Fifth suggests it may be time to move on; the crowd of locals seem to be tiring of their presence.

On the space station, the Second and Sixth Doctors note that, of course, they're running in a circle. Deliberately slowing down, and feigning a sprained ankle, they allow Davros and the Daleks to catch up. As Davros gloats over the chance to kill the Doctor twice over, the Sixth Doctor goads him into making a bad pun. The Wildean Wit Enforcer summarily dispatches Davros and the Daleks in a flurry of thrown weaponry. Amidst the smoking wreckage of the Daleks, the Second Doctor stops the Sixth from reflexively making a bad pun about the situation.

The Beige Guardian watches the battles with increasing horror. He bemoans how much of a failure he is, and wonders whether he hasn't been trying too hard to get the other Guardians to take him seriously. While he's distracted the First and Eighth Doctors work together to break free of the cake, and use a giant fork to launch one of the exploding candles at the Guardian just as it explodes, disintegrating him.

All the other Doctors reappear by the cake, and the First and Eighth Doctors simultaneously explain their deduction that the Beige Guardian had been merely a collection of electronic impulses, easily dissipated by the explosion. The Fourth Doctor begins to question the nature of the Doctors' own existence; what if they're all just electronic impulses arranged for someone's amusement? The Eighth Doctor responds that if such a thing were true, he hopes whoever is at the controls doesn't decide to cheat.

Watching the exchange on the Time-Space visualiser, joystick in hand, bowl of crisps in her lap, Izzy grins at winning her video game.

Characters
Izzy Sinclair is the only character actually participating in the story.

Video game facsimiles of other characters include:
 * Eighth Doctor
 * Seventh Doctor
 * Sixth Doctor
 * Fifth Doctor
 * Fourth Doctor
 * Third Doctor
 * Second Doctor
 * First Doctor
 * The Beige Guardian
 * A version of the Raston Warrior Robot called a "Wildean Wit Enforcer"
 * The Daleks
 * Davros
 * Ice Warriors
 * Nimon
 * Yeti
 * Ogrons
 * Sontarans
 * Various EastEnders characters
 * Sea Devils
 * Silurians
 * Cybermen
 * Broton and other Zygons
 * Monoids
 * Wirrn
 * Gods of Ragnarok
 * Osirian service robots
 * Morbius
 * Tractators
 * Quarks
 * Sandminer robots
 * Movellans
 * K1
 * Dæmons
 * War Machines
 * Borad
 * Mara
 * Macra
 * The Captain
 * Chief Caretaker
 * Marshman
 * The Destroyer

Continuity

 * Since Izzy is revealed to be behind the whole adventure, it's entirely plausible that the events actually take place between DWM: Wormwood and The Fallen. It is also possible to consider the adventure to actually be in Izzy's real continuity, despite the fact that the story is an overt parody.

Timeline

 * This story takes place after ST: Syntax
 * This story takes place before DWM: The Fallen