Strax Field Report: The Doctors (webcast)

Straxs Field Report: The Doctor was a webcast released during the build-up to The Time of the Doctor, the 2013 Christmas special of Doctor Who.

Synopsis
Field Report TCX11/13: Strax discusses all twelve past incarnations of the Doctor.

Plot
Strax goes over the incarnations of "the universe's chief weakling and coward". First up, the First Doctor showed great early promise — with a brutality similar to the great Field Marshal Styre — but was soon infected by the "human disease known as compassion".

Strax refers to the Second Doctor as "a buffoon", saying he was of no military value and preferred to spend his time to playing his musical tote tune than pulse rifle. He mentions that "the Lord and Hero" Stike served him justice.

The Doctor's third incarnation was a worthy opponent to Commander Linx, and is "highly commended for impressive martial abilities". He mentions his death at the hands of radiation "that would barely tickle a Sontaran infant clone".

The Fourth Doctor "returned to the level of cowardice we have come to expect", when he led the Sontarans on a frivolous chase through his TARDIS instead of facing them on the battlefield, "like a Rutan fleeing through an energy trench".

Next up, Strax comments on the Fifth Doctor's obsession with "wearing vegetable matter". Compassion for a fragile human once again led to his demise.

He identifies the Sixth Doctor as his personal favourite, being "confrontational, ruthless and aggressive". Unfortunately, "his delicate Gallifreyan cranium could not withstand a bump against his own ship's console."

"Doctor Seven" showed great promise as a strategist, using intense cunning, guile and plotting to outmaneuver his greatest foes. "Though, ultimately, he failed to maneuvre out of the path of a folly of speeding bullets, and expired at the hands of "an incompetent boy with little medical expertise".

Strax thinks the Eighth Doctor chose to be a female, because of his hair. This incarnation engaged in "the futile pursuit of romantic attachment" and had an obsession with footwear. In the end, he chose to regenerate into a warrior, "fit to fight the greatest war in history".

Next, Strax discusses the incarnation who would not call himself Doctor. He sees this version of the Doctor as a "dark warrior" and that it was fortunate the Sontarans did not encounter him. "My clone batch still quake in their probic powering pods at the very thought of this dark soldier."

"Number Nine" was another with a sense of fire and rage, who started with a strong military focus and a flair for smiting species, but soon gave way to an affection for a yellow-headed Earth boy which squandered his promise. He engaged in yet another "inter-species mouth-to-mouth interface".

A begrudged Strax shouts, "The next incarnation was a blight on the Sontaran race!" and pauses for a moment to put his anger in check. This Doctor met Strax's clone batch in an encounter that Strax finds both insolent and infuriating. He took great satisfaction in seeing his death.

Finally, the Eleventh Doctor's obsession with fabric helmets and neck adornments made him an easier opponent to dispatch. Yet he proved himself highly capable in evading the most ingenious trap ever created.

"But now the spineless pink weasel is backed against the wall. He'll never escape the fate that awaits him on Trenzalore..."

Strax closes his report by paying tribute to the Doctor, solemnly stating: "I shall not forget the many exploits of this man. He was a worthy foe, and a mighty strategist. He was...my enemy. He will not be easily replaced."

Characters

 * Strax - Dan Starkey
 * Appearing in archive footage: William Hartnell, Carole Ann Ford, William Russell, Jacqueline Hill, Jon Pertwee, Kevin Lindsay, Peter Davison, Nicola Bryant, Paul McGann, David Tennant, Rupert Holliday Evans, John Hurt, Matt Smith

Story notes

 * Incorporates footage from TV: The Edge of Destruction, The Time Warrior, The Caves of Androzani, The Night of the Doctor, The Poison Sky and The Day of the Doctor.
 * Strax indicates that the Sixth Doctor's regeneration was caused by a bump on the head. This marks the first time an official BBC production — albeit a non-narrative one — has given an on-screen reason for the previously unexplained regeneration, although it explicitly contradicts the events of PROSE: Spiral Scratch, unless it follows the general belief that the injury came after the events of the novel had already weakened the Doctor.
 * Strax makes reference to different clone batches, explaining the similarities in appearance between himself and the Sontarans of The Poison Sky, and the differences in appearance with the Sontaran seen in The Time Warrior.
 * Strax mentions that the Sontarans did not encounter the War Doctor. This is because the Sontarans were prohibited from taking part in the Last Great Time War, according to General Staal in The Sontaran Stratagem. Nevertheless, the War Doctor would encounter the Sontarans in AUDIO: The Eternity Cage.
 * Unlike previous Strax Field Reports, this instalment was only made available for viewing in the UK, likely due to the use of footage from previous episodes. It has since leaked to the US.
 * The numbers in Strax's field report 11/13 seem to indicate the Eleventh Doctor out of thirteen incarnations, not regarding the displacement in number caused by the War Doctor and Meta-Crisis Tenth Doctor, or refers to the number in a literal sense, being his self-designated name as "Eleven", and "13" being that he is the last of his regeneration cycle. "TCX" appears to be a way of saying "This coming Xmas", referring to the airing of The Time of the Doctor on Christmas.
 * The later cinema screening of the Series 8 premiere, Deep Breath, included an introduction similar in format to this Strax Field Report, also featuring Strax's fellow Paternoster Gang members Vastra and Jenny Flint, where Strax humorously recounts the first twelve incarnations of the Doctor to Sontar, making note of the War Doctor as well as the Tenth Doctor's aborted regeneration, before alerting them to the appearance of the new Doctor.
 * Strax's comment about the Sixth Doctor perishing from a bump on his cranium refers back to a long-standing myth and misconception-turned-in-joke that the Sixth Doctor was killed by hitting his head on the TARDIS console, as Colin Baker was ejected from the role unceremoniously and declined to film his regeneration on-screen. Viewers were left to draw their own conclusions, and this became the popular assumption. His real cause of regeneration was explored in the 2005 novel Spiral Scratch and in the 2015 audio anthology The Sixth Doctor: The Last Adventure, specifically the final story of the anthology, The Brink of Death.