The Warkeeper's Crown (comic story)

The Warkeeper's Crown was a comic story published in Doctor Who Magazine issues 378 through 380. It was written by Alan Barnes. It featured the Tenth Doctor and the Brigadier.

Part 1
At Sandhurst Military School, a new batch of soldiers are participating in a "Passing Out" ceremony. The Brigadier is in attendance, standing in front of two soldiers who are talking crassly. The Brigadier yanks them by the ear and tells them off. A vortex appears, catching the Brigadier. He has a vision of his past at his grandfather Alistair Conall Hamish Lethbridge-Stewart's house.

The Brigadier appears in front of the Hawk leader and expresses his dissatisfaction, saying he wants to go home. A few minutes later, the Tenth Doctor arrives and is announced as the new Warkeeper's fool. While they're catching up, dragons attack, killing some of the Hawk troops. The Hawk leader flies the Doctor and the Brigadier over a battlefield, where they see trolls, ogres, orcs, centaurs and goblins fighting. After the Hawks defeat the dragons, the Doctor and Brigadier are taken to the Warkeeper's castle. The Warkeeper is ancient and feeble. This reminds the Brigadier of his grandfather's death. The Warkeeper tells them he summoned the Brigadier to the Slough of the Disunited Planets to succeed him. The Brigadier says that he is not interested. They meet Michael Yates, but not Captain Mike Yates from UNIT. An army of beasts attack the castle.

Part 2
An all clear siren scares the trolls away as a weakened Warkeeper begins to wake up. The Brigadier, the Doctor and Yates make a "tactical retreat" before the Hawks come around. They stumble into the remains of a battle ground where they find a dying goblin creature, who the Doctor comforts. Because of this, the Brigadier becomes aware the Doctor has recently been involved in a war. They are rescued by a young nursemaid named Tilly, who comments that the Brigadier is very handsome. This reminds him of a time with his wife by the pier of a beach. The arrive at the nurses field station, where two more nursemaids, Gilly and Milly, offer them a feast. Tilly begins to speak to a maid of the Warkeeper named Lilly. Lilly suggests that Yates has the weakest and most suggestible mind, but then gets interrupted by the Hawk leader. Tilly takes Yates away, whilst the other nursemaids transform into harpies, who are alien carrion feeders. The Doctor comes to a conclusion that all matter on the planet is recycled, and as he makes this deduction, the hawks open fire on the harpies, who escape. However, because of there intervention, they left the Warkeeper unguarded so the other harpies can kill him. Using the warkeeper's crown, Yates becomes the new Warkeeper and takes the harpies, along with the Hawks, to his "war," in Upper Wardleswick.

Part 3
A newsreader reports on the chaos in Upper Wardleswick. Meanwhile, Yates is addressing a crowd, saying he will declare war on France. The crowd seems rather uninterested as they cannot hear him. The harpies become impatient, picking out members of the crowd, wanting to eat. They tell Yates to order the Hawks to begin a slaughter, but Yates refuses. The harpies force him to, and he starts to say the words, but the crown gets shot off his head by a bullet. The Hawk leader orders the Hawks to locate the sniper. The Doctor picks up the crown and wears it, trying to take control of the Hawks. His attempt fails because the crown can only be controlled by a simple brain. The harpies go to attack him, but the Hawk leader returns with the sniper caught. The sniper turns out to be the Brigadier, and the harpies declare him as their new Warkeeper. The Brigadier declines, and is shot by a harpy. The Doctor says they will regret what they've done, but the harpies are unfazed. The Doctor reveals that it was a distraction, as an army of Brigadiers charge forward and begin to fight the Hawks. The Doctor tells the harpies how he used the Warkeeper's clone factories to create a clone army of Brigadiers, and transported them to Upper Wardleswick via his TARDIS. Yates has the crown placed back on his head, as a harpy says that the crown can dissipate clone flesh. Yates commands the clones to dissipate, and the Brigadier clones dissolve while saluting each other. The Hawks also disappear, and the Doctor deduces that they were also clones. As tanks roll up, the harpies escape.

The Doctor walks off with the crown, with Yates asking where he's going. The Doctor tells Yates that he's going to the pub to collect the real Brigadier. The harpies enter the pub while the Brigadier is watching the cricket. He pulls out a gun, threatening them with it. They turn back into their human forms, telling him he's retired and doesn't have to do this anymore. He has a flashback to other soldiers saying he's not good enough. He puts the gun away, saying it's only for show, but that he still has some fight left in him. The Doctor enters and throws him the crown. He catches it and puts it on. The Brigadier tells the harpies to "go to blazes" and they disappear in a whirlwind. The Doctor is amazed that he guessed their species, saying they were "Harpies, from the Detritus Belt around the Infernal Moon of Bravo 11 Zebra" - or informally known as 'blazes'. The Brigadier realises that he's just making it up. Outside, a crowd cheers them on, as Yates is taken away by the police. The Doctor says his farewells to the Brigadier and leaves in the TARDIS.

Characters

 * Tenth Doctor
 * The Brigadier
 * Michael Yates
 * Tilly
 * Gilly
 * Milly
 * Hawk leader
 * The Warkeeper
 * Lilly
 * Goblin
 * Mike Yates
 * Ram
 * Alistair Conall Hamish Lethbridge-Stewart
 * Doris Bryden

Worldbuilding

 * When carried away by one of the Stone Hawks, the Doctor mentions Tolkien (although the name is misspelled "Tolkein").
 * Lyrics from the song "War" are paraphrased to Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart's puzzlement.
 * Michael compares the Brigadier to Winston Churchill and Bobby Moore.
 * Michael plays golf with his friend Ram.
 * The Doctor sings "Heads Shoulders Knees And Toes".

Continuity

 * While watching the Brigadier clones fight hawks, the Doctor remarks that they are "splendid chaps, all of him", paraphrasing the Brigadier's comment that the Doctor is a "wonderful chap... all of them". (TV: The Five Doctors)