Enter Wildthyme (novel)

Enter Wildthyme was a 2011 novel written by Paul Magrs which acted as an introductory story to the Iris Wildthyme series.

Although Iris Wildthyme, Panda, and the Celestial Omnibus played a large part in the story's narrative, the book did not have any Iris Wildthyme series branding.

The novel served a semi-sequel to a Margs' Iris Wildthyme short story The Dreadful Flap, the EDA The Scarlet Empress, and Exchange (a novel published in 2008, but it is not currently covered by the wiki, however it does prominently feature Simon, Kelly, Terrance, and the Great Big Book Exchange). It also was a sort of side-step to Margs' Brenda and Effie series, as the character of Magda appeared in Fellowship of Ink.

It also brought together many elements from his past work. It featured concepts originating from every Doctor Who novel written by Magrs before Enter Wildthyme's release. It also used elements from Magrs' Doctor Who audio stories Ringpullworld and Horror of Glam Rock.

Enter Wildthyme introduced the character Vince Cosmos, who would go on to appear in several stories, including his own spin-off, Vince Cosmos: Glam Rock Detective.

Publisher's summary
Time and Space. Good and Evil. Gin and Tonic.

A novel which takes us from a dusty secondhand bookshop on Darlington, clear across the galaxy aboard a celestial double decker bus... all the way to the outlandish world of Hyspero, and the throne room of the Scarlet Empress... and the very brink of the strange pocket dimension called The Obverse...

This is a story about an object — a glass jar with mysterious contents — being the focus of a chase between Iris Wildthyme, Panda and their new friend Simon, and a bunch of gentlemen pirates of the Dogworld, who are determined to retrieve the strange jar and its even stranger contents.

Plot
Orbiting Earth in 2011, the spaceship, Begins at Home, is boarded by Terrance, a plastic armed owner of the quaint bookshop, the Great Big Book Exchange. Terrance takes what resembles an old, greyed jam jar, however the Begins at Home has also been boarded by Dog Pirates, who are also hunting for the jar. The Dog Pirates proceed to massacre the crew as Terrance leaves, and the final crew member decides to jettison everything in the Begins at Home 's cargo hold in order to at least delay the Dog Pirates. The Pirates then kill the survivor.

Back down on Earth, Kelly is waiting at the East Coast Line train station in Darlington for her old friend, Simon, as he's returning home from University. At first she's anxious about whether or not Simon will recognise her, but these doubts disappear when they meet, as the bond between them hasn't changed.

Terrance has since vanished, but not before entrusting the jar to Kelly, with instructions to give it so Simon upon his arrival, as well as to have Simon become the new owner of the Great Big Book Exchange.

Kelly asks Simon if he would accompany her to her poetry class, and he obliges. Later that day Anthony Marvelle, along with Missy, enter the Great Big Book Exchange, as he is also looking for the mysterious jar, and although Simon refuses to give it him, Marvelle takes it behind Simon's back.

That evening, at the poetry class, Simon decides not to tell Kelly that the jar had been stolen. Outside, a Routemaster 22 had been carelessly parked, much to Simon's displeasure. Kelly believes that the bus belonged to a bunch of new agers, and she expresses worry over the "famous poet", Antony Marvelle, hosting the bulk of the the night's meeting.

As the congregation of people begins clear at around midnight, a drunken Iris Wildthyme shows up, mouthing off at anything and everything. As time passes, Simon gets acquainted with Iris, and Kelly gets seduced by Marvelle's mesmerising ability Simon knows that they are getting intimate with each other, which he is very uncomfortable with. This drives him to confront Marvelle about him stealing the jar, which Marvelle denies, and Kelly believes that Simon's drunk.

After Simon's failed confrontation, he goes back Iris, and she voices her suspicions about Marvelle. They get drunk together, and later on Simon walks Iris back to her bus, and despite trying to get her not to drive it, she does, and the bus subsequently dematerialises. Unbeknownst to Simon, at this time Kelly and Marvelle sleep together.

The next morning, Simon is woken up abruptly from his new home on the second floor of the Great Big Book Exchange, as Iris pounds on the front door. Iris has come to tell Simon that she senses that trouble is afoot, and Simon tells her that the he had a nightmare, where the glass jar that Terrance had indirectly given him was filled with blood and an eye, which Iris disregards as silly, laughing about it. She convinced Simon not to open the Exchange for business temporarily, as she requires help from Simon.

Iris tells Simon about Panda, MIAOW, and her Celestial Omnibus. Simon is growing increasingly concerned about Kelly, as she isn't answering her phone. They arrive at Magda's Mysteries, a fellow bookshop that specialises in science-fiction, which hides the entrance to the underground headquarters of MIAOW. Jenny acts very unfriendly towards Simon, but her attitude changes when Iris tells her that Simon had the jar, or rather, the Objet D'Oom.

As the Darlington branch of MIAOW had been frantically searching for the Objet, Jenny decides to try and steal it back off from Marvelle, so she quickly leaves the MIAOW headquarters and she makes her way to the hotel where Marvelle is staying.

Iris introduces Simon to Barbra, a servo-furnishing, and Barbra tries to convince Iris to take her with her on Iris' bus, but Iris awkwardly declines. The duo leave the MIAOW headquarters, as they beat off towards the Darlington town centre, where Iris reveals that the Scotch Corner Hotel actually exists within seven dimensions, and that it's also the gateway to the multiverse. Iris and Simon head to the Celestial Omnibus, and they, along with Panda, use it to travel to the now unmanned Begins at Home, to investigate the bric-a-brac that had been falling from the ship into the Earth's atmosphere, killing a few Darlington citizens when various things collided with them. They find two Vatrexii corpes, along with poodle hair.

They hear an almighty noise not to far from them, and when they investigate the noise they find a barely alive Vatrexii, Harfolg, who tell the motley crew of the number 22 about the attack of the Dog Pirates. Harfolg dies in front of them, and Iris deduces that Marvelle must be linked to the Dog Pirates.

Back on Earth, Kelly finally replies to Simon, denying that she had nothing more than a conversation with Marvelle, hiding the truth from Simon. Simon decides to meet in her in person, to tell her about his day, but Kelly doesn't believe him. Iris bursts into the Exchange, and tells Simon and Kelly that Jenny failed to retrieve the Objet D'Oom. Panda climbs out of Iris' bag, utterly startling Kelly, and she realises everything Simon said was true.

After Kelly decides to help Iris, Panda, and Simon, they head into that past to have dinner, so they can get everything in order. They arrive in Montmartre, Paris, in June 1894. Iris asks Simon if he's gay, to which he confirms. Kelly is getting increasingly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things going on, especially Panda, the sentient stuffed toy. Outside, a Martian spaceship heralds their invasion force. Iris refuses to do anything about it, as her past self had thwarted the Martians seven years in the local future. They head over to the Moulin Rouge to dance away the night. After Iris has finished dancing, Kelly blanches and tells Iris that she had just seen Marvelle and Missy spying on them.

Iris now decides that it's imperative they get to South Kensington in 1973, as she needs to get to her office, as she has many items stored there that are too precious for her to take on the number 22. They arrive, and Iris finds that the item she came for, the Blithe Pinking Shears, have been taken already by Marvelle. Now, Marvelle has the ability to create rifts in space, enabling him to travel significantly easier, and it makes him much harder to track.

This puts Iris into a sulk, even though she denies it, as they get back into the bus. In the Maelstrom, Simon spots what Pand calls Roadkill, "The spectres and victims of millennia of time travel". Panda also likens them to Time Zombies. They arrive back on Earth, Kelly leaves, and Iris, Panda, and Simon decide to inform MIAOW of what going on.

Kelly helps Chelsea clean up some of the mess left over from the poetry class, and she discovers a letter addressed to her from Marvelle, claiming that Iris has been lying to her, and that he, Marvelle, is both her friend and not a villain.

Meanwhile, Barbra reminisces of her past, about how MIAOW had been more than willing to dismantle her, and that Iris was the one that saved her. Deep down, Barbra is afraid of what MIAOW could do to her. Less than an hour later, Jenny bursts in, flustered at her lack of progress, and slightly envious of how Iris can blunder in and find out so much information so easily. Barbra though, has decided to find Iris and her bus, as Iris promised her that she could go with them on an adventure, and Barbra has a deep longing to go now, so she quickly goes through Darlington, doing her best to draw as little attention as she can. She arrives at the Great Big Book Exchange, literally and accidentally smashes through the front window, causing Kelly to drop her coffee onto her laptop in surprise. Kelly tells Iris and company that Barbra has arrived, and they take Barbra aboard the number 22 to talk privately, as to not draw any more attention to Barbra. Reluctantly, Iris allows Barbra to come with them to find Marvelle and the Objet D'Oom.

As Jenny heads across Darlington, a group of Dog Pirates surround her, Marvelle leading the group. Marvelle uses the Blithe Pinking Shears to open up a rift, and as Jenny believes it's her duty, she accompanies him in order to try to retrieve the Objet D'Oom, or to at least achieve something.

Arriving on Valcea, the crew of the number 22 find themselves in a thick jungle. While breakfast is being prepared, Simon pops to the toilet in the second level of the bus. After he finished his business, he notices a bookshelf with Iris' diaries placed haphazardly inside. A deep curiosity wills him to the one of the diaries, and he places it inside his coat. Not long later, the group decide to venture out into the jungle, towards a small town a few miles away. Suddenly, a massive beast, what appears to be a cross between a bull elephant and a rhino, with immense, savage tusks, and it has a translucent, glass-like skin, that allows it to blend virtually seamlessly into the jungle. As it charges them, Iris, Panda, and Simon manage to evade it, only to see that Barbra, which the beast hadn't even comprehended at first, causing a distraction, so upon Barbra's instructions, they flee. Simon is aghast at Barbra seemingly dying, so they return to where they expect to see a destroyed Barbra, only to find to their great surprise that Barbra had somehow managed to kill the massive animal. Even Barbra herself is unsure of how she managed to do it.

Marvelle, Missy, and Jenny arrive in the Moulin Rouge not long after Iris and her friends left. Marvelle gives Jenny a shot of Absinthe to help calm her bowels. They head outside, and the Martians are firing off their heat ray. Jenny questions Marvelle about them, as she knows that there definitely was not an alien invasion nineteenth century. Marvelle promises to return, and he and Missy leaves Jenny to give instructions to Martian Time Agents.

It's nighttime on Valcea, and Iris, Panda, Simon, and Barbra are still trekking through the jungle, and they finally reach civilization. Upon arrival, they see that the buildings are little more than wooden shacks, and Panda miraculously leads them to a inn, The Winged God. After entering the inn, they hear a raucous outside, and a carriage pulled by horses with elephantine trunks and clawed feet. Both the carriage and the horses are covered in thousands of tiny mirrors. Four young boys and two young girls climb aboard, much to the distress of their families and friends, and Panda suspects it's some sort of sacrificial ritual.

Back inside, Panda orders drinks from the bartender, and the bartender warns Iris about singing songs from the old times on Valcea. Later thst night, while everybody is asleep, Simon is awake due to insomnia, and he wishes that he had brought a book to read. His boredom leads him to remrmber that he did in fact bring a book - Iris' diary. He can't help himself as he flicks through the book, marvelling at all the curiosities inside. After reading a good portion of the diary, he falls asleep.

Back in Darlington, entire weeks have moved on without Simon, Iris, or Panda returning, so Kelly resumed working at the Great Big Book Exchange. She kept going to the poetry meetings at the Arts Centre too. Magda though, decides to meet up with Kelly.

Marvelle and Missy returned to Jenny, and now she found herself in the Super Hotel Miramar, situated on the edge of the Golden Chasm. Marvelle had booked Jenny a room in advance, which Missy instructs Jenny to go into. Having no other real options, Jenny enters her room to find the Objet D'Oom innocuously placed on the bedside table.

It's now morning on Valcea, and Iris, Simon, and Barbra are in good spirits, though Panda had nightmares all night so as a consequence he has become quite irritable. The bartender brings them tea, and after he leaves they decide to journey to the once-abandoned City of Glass, where the New Gods reside, the same location the sacrifices are taken to.

Over the Autumn, Kelly and Magda become good friends, and Kelly often buys US-imported books, mostly of Paranormal Mystery and Gothic genres. One day, Magda decided to go into the Great Big Book Exchange, to browse, and she stumbles across a mythical book, the Aja'ib, tucked away in the far corner of the Exchange. The following Friday, Kelly comes over to Magda's home for dinner, and they get talking. Kelly asks Magda if she has a dog, and Magda says no. Then they realise they can hear barking, very close to the farmhouse, and as Kelly goes to check, Marvelle and Missy have arrived at the house.

Back in the Super Hotel Miramar, Jenny, in the comfort and serenity of her bed, finds herself dreaming. She's in a lesbian bar, just off Skinnergate, and Jenny finds herself sitting on a squashy sofa, talking to a minute woman wearing a red dress, with masses of auburn hair. The tiny woman introduces herself as Euphemia, the first empress of Hyspero. Euphemia goes into say how her people imprisoned her in a jar, or as Jenny knows it, the Objet D'Oom. They then form an alliance, to return Euphemia back to Hyspero. Suddenly, Jenny realises she's awake, an Marvelle is telling her to come on. She questions him about why he left the Objet D'Oom so close to her, when for all he knew Kenny would just take it and run, and Marvelle responds by saying that he can now trust her, as she didn't run.

Simon is returning to the Celestial Omnibus with Iris, as they know the journey ahead will be a long one. When they arrive at the bus, they see that the hydraulic doors have been wrenched open, with the tell-tale signs of the Pinking Shears. Various things in the bus have been damaged or, in the case of Iris' diaries, stolen.

Cutting back to the invasion of Magda's home, Magda angrily asks Marvelle the whereabouts of Jenny, a question he avoids. He mesmerizes and kidnaps Kelly, and he kicks over Magda's wheelchair, causing her to crash down to the floor.

Back in The Winged God, Panda and Barbra are anticipating the return of Iris and Simon, and Barbra gets the bartender to restock her depleted stocks of food. He does so, but with an ulterior motive - he places a egg-like organic explosive device inside of her. An excited Panda exclaims that Iris and Simon have returned.

After being knocked down by Marvelle, Magda remembers various things about her past, such as Iris rescuing her in the 1980s, and her early experiences with MIAOW.

After travelling for hours across the Valcean countryside, dusk sets in, so the group sets up a camp for the night. After a while of staying up, Simon falls asleep, only to be awoken by the Wardrobes. They flee back into the Celestial Omnibus, and Iris drives off along a steep, narrow mountain pass, with a massive chasm either side of the road. Several Valcean days pass, and Iris keeps on driving, unfatigued. Unnoticed by Iris, Simon and Panda find that the tear created by Marvelle in the Very Fabric is still there, so they decide to quickly check what's on the other side.

On the other side, Simon is overjoyed to find out that he's a Vince Cosmos concert, as Cosmos was one of his childhood heroes. Simon can't resist the temptation to see one of his favourite musicians play, so he convinces Panda to go into the concert with him.

The opening act of the concert is a performance by the Tomorrow Twins, and when that finished Vince Cosmos steps out on stage, and begins to sing. Panda then notices the two Martian Time Agents that Marvelle had sent on a mission, and Panda bellows out a warning to everybody, simultaneously knocking Simon down to the ground to get him out of the path of any beams shot from the Martians' energy weapons. Surprisingly, Vince is now brandishing his twelve-stringed guitar as a weapon. Their cover blown, the Martians quickly teleport away.

Later that evening, Vince makes Simon and Panda the guests of honour at his after-show party, and Simon definitely knows that his LP of the concert had not ended in a Martian attack, but he chalks this up to interference in time. Vince denies not knowing about the Martians prior to the attack, but his body language tells another story. Simon notices an older woman in a slinky dress, and as he goes to get a closer look the woman reveals herself to be Iris, who is not at all pleased that Simon and Panda skived off while she labouring up the mountain pass. She also tells Simon not to muck about, as Iris has the knowledge of her own past to know that the stakes are much bigger than they anticipated. Taking a bit of responsibility, Simon finds Panda and they go back through the rift back into the Omnibus.

Back on the Celestial Omnibus, they decide to try and catch up with Marvelle as he enters the City of Glass. Iris cheers as the steep narrow road the bus was traversing opens up onto some sort of plateau. They arrive at some sort of village inhabited by people made out of glass, and they don't plan to stay long as they need to get on with he journey. Iris recalls the people's name, the Glass Men of Valcea, but she figures that they've been kicked out of their city by the New Gods. They then notice that the Glass Men are praying to Barbra.

Although the Glass Men can't use language to communicate, they try their best to be accommodating for their goddess and her friends, even though they're an incredibly shy species. Barbra decides to open up to Simon - not entirely, as she also doesn't want to be to trusting in case if somebody wants to harm her (after all, she has a glass front). Barbra opens her front to let Iris grab a drink, however the Glass Men view this as a defacement of their god, so they restrain Iris.

They take Iris away to a comfy sofa, where they then attach electrodes to her head, in order to communicate with her. As they do this, Iris tries to remember her previous encounter with the Glass Men, and she says if she had her diaries she would be able to remember. Simon then confesses to taking one of her diaries prior to Marvelle stealing the rest. Panda boggles at Simon, saying that Simon has broken their trust, however Iris is overjoyed that Simon rescued one.

Iris is even happier to discover that the diary that Simon had saved was about her previous adventure on Hyspero, and she knows that this exact diary must've been the one that Marvelle had needed. Iris knows that the Objet D'Oom came from Hyspero, and Marvelle needed the information inside the diary for his nefarious scheme. At that moment, Barbra arrives outside the cell, and she tells Iris, Panda, and Simon that the Glass Men will allow them to travel to the Glass City, on the condition that afterwards Barbra must remain on Valcea with the Glass Men, so they can worship her forever.

The Glass Men have repaired the Celestial Omnibus, and Iris, Panda, Simon, and Barbra set off towards the Glass City, using the Maelstrom to make the journey faster.

On the observation deck of the Super Hotel Miramar, Marvelle introduces Kelly to Jenny. Marvelle goes on to say that when Kelly had shown Marvelle her poems back on Earth, during that fateful poetry meeting, Marvelle had noticed a special ability within her. He recites her stanza, and in it, it has multiple mentions of things that should be beyond her knowledge. Things of the cosmos. He says that the universe spoke through Kelly, much to her disbelief. While this is going on, Euphemia talks to Jenny telepathically, saying that Kelly must not be allowed to get to Hyspero. The Empress tells Jenny to do this with any means necessary, which Jenny feels awful about having to do.

A discreet distance away from the Hotel, Marvelle using the Pinking Shears to slice open another rift in the Very Fabric, to Valcea. He states that they need to go via Valcea to get to Hyspero, as he isn't accurate enough with the Shears to make a connection to Hyspero.

The London branch of MIAOW is currently investigating why the Darlington branch is currently so far behind their work, and try as she might, Magda can't provide enough information to Mida Slike, the woman heading the investigation, to be satisfied with, and she rants about Iris' trail of disaster.

Later, Magda begins reading the Aja'ib. It's a compendium of old, strange stories that don't fit the narrative conventions of Earth literature. Magda reads a story about strange molten glass men. She reads that they were forcibly removed from their city, by the New Gods, and deep within the city lay the Dii h'anno Doors.

On Valcea, the Celestial Omnibus arrives at the Glass City, and they get out, Simon awestruck by the towers and buildings made out of pure glass. Iris is unimpressed, as some she was there previously, the city has known become overgrown and dirty. They enter a building nor far from the bus, and there they are attacked by a Wardrobe, which Barbra tries to fight off, but to no avail.

They are captured by more Wardrobes, before being separated and imprisoned. Simon and Barbra are in a cell together, and Barbra offers Simon food, which he declines. Hours pass, and the doors to the cell open, and two tall Wardrobes push Jenny and Kelly into the cell, which is then closed behind them. They all talk about their misadventures, and Jenny opens the Objet D'Oom, which is still in her possession, and places it down on the floor, and The Empress climbs out.

Iris and Panda are lead into a room, where Panda is strapped to a table, and vines of living wood go inside his head, causing him a great deal of pain. Iris tries to stop this, but a great booming voice startles her so much she stops in her tracks. She tries to get them go stop probing Panda's mind, but they say that they can do it to Iris as her mind is too well guarded. The Wardrobe she was taking to opens its doors, and it says that they don't know why the populace of Valcea treats them as gods. Iris steps closer to have a better look inside the Wardrobe, but she trips and falls inside. Panda demands the Wardrobe go release Iris, but he refusues, as he states that Iris is on a mission. Marvelle enters the room, and Panda flings himself at Marvelle, trying to strangle him.

Back inside the cell, Euphemia introduces herself, and the prisoners all stare at her, even Jenny. As they have a conversation, it's revealed that Terrance had somehow arrived in the deep catacombs of Hyspero, and stolen both the Objet D'Oom and the Aja-ib. A Wardrobe then enter the cell and takes Kelly.

After tumbling inside of the Wardrobe, Iris has a mental message from Marvelle, boasting about how his plan won't fail. She then finds herself in a shopping mall, which has been overrun by Servo-Furnishings. She then bumbs into Barbra.

Characters
(In order of appearance)
 * Terrance
 * Vatrexii
 * Dog Pirates
 * Kelly
 * Simon
 * Anthony Marvelle
 * Missy
 * Iris Wildthyme
 * Panda
 * Magda
 * Barbra
 * Jenny Winterleaf
 * Harfolg
 * Martians
 * Chelsea
 * Bartender
 * Euphemia
 * The Wardrobes
 * Tommy Tomorrow
 * Trisha Tomorrow
 * Vince Cosmos
 * Mida Slike

Continuity

 * Panda took offence whenever somebody mentions he's a toy. (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large)
 * Barbra first appeared in (PROSE: Sick Building)
 * Barbra recalls when Iris saved her from the Dreadful Flap and took her to Darlington in 2008. (PROSE: The Dreadful Flap)
 * MIAOW, Mida Slike, the Blithe Pinking Shears, the Poodles, and Hotel Miramar first appeared in PROSE: Mad Dogs and Englishmen.
 * The Blithe Pinking Shears created rifts in space, not unlike the rift in Cardiff and the rifts made by the Shadow Kin. (TV: Aliens of London, For Tonight We Might Die)
 * Jenny got travel sick after travelling through time and space (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large)
 * In The Winged God, Iris sings a song from the old times of Valcea. (PROSE: The Blue Angel).
 * The Glass Men of Valcea previously appeared in (PROSE: The Blue Angel).
 * The Tomorrow Twins previously appeared in (AUDIO: Horror of Glam Rock).
 * Hyspero, the Aja'ib, and the Scarlet Empress first featured in (PROSE: The Scarlet Empress).
 * Iris mentions her "peculiar aunts" and "decrepit old house in the mountains". (PROSE: The Scarlet Empress)
 * Jenny and Barbra saw "shark people" in the marketplace on Hyspero. (AUDIO: Doctor Who and the Pescatons)
 * The Ringpull is mentioned multiple times. (AUDIO: Ringpullworld)
 * Panda recalls living with Tom. (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large)
 * The Fourth Doctor and Mrs Wibbsey also visited Paris in June 1894. (AUDIO: The Demon of Paris)