User:Quark16/Reviews

Review: No 1. The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari (1919) Starring Conrad Veidt. Based on the region one DVD by Kino International....

When "The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari" Slips in conversations. People often yap on like "Oh. It's a masterpiece" and "The art Design is Fantastic".Well all of that is true but what people often forget is that it certainally was not made that way. It was made to shock them (well at the time it was pretty freaky). It was designed to upset them with wierd images and swirling landscapes.Tim Burton ripped this film off - Fact. . It all upset them very deeply .The film starts with an old man saying that the night is filled with spirits. What has he been smoking ?. A younger guy is sat beside him. A young guy who takes in everthing he says. What has he been smoking ?. The young guys "Wife to be". Walks past looking half stoned. The words "what has she been smoking?" come to mind.So the guy does what all husbands would do if they saw there wifes stoned. He tells an old man about his past. Told you this wouldnt make sence.So we get a flashback. Of a german village on a hill. What the ? . A German villiage on a hill. A whole villaige on top of a huge hill, seriously the hills big enough to be a mountain .we meet this person called alan. Who loks like hes on drugs aswell. He sees somthing in the newspaper and has a panic attack ! What has hes wife died ! His mother ! His son ! .... No the funfair is coming to town. The panic attack turns out to be a joy attack. I suppose people really liked the funfair back then.So acting like a half crazed child he runs to his best friend francis - Who is also the guy at the beginning of the story. You know the young guy with the stoned fiancee.He begs francis to come to the funfair. It sounds like this. Please ? No. Please? No.Please? . No. So Francis caves in and gos to the fair. The fair Is full of stalls. No rides. Or tents. Stalls. Selling candy floss and stuff. Who gos to a flipping german funfair just to buy candyfloss. So They come across. Some tents. Finally some tents .So whats in tents ? . Freaks ? Clowns ? Jugglers? . No .. A crazy ass guy in a top hat. Well thats what I see in most fairs ! Crazy ass guys in top hats .. Did i mention he looks like hes on Drugs.So he tells all the guys to come in to his tent.Yes thats right listen to the drugged up guy in the top hat.Seriously this guy couldnt be more obvious if he dressed up as a witch and said come in to my tent I have candy ! But is no candy. Maybye this man is good. Theres no candy .. Theres a box .. What a minue thats no box ... My visions a little blury but thats ..... Not A Box ..... Is too thin .. Too long .. Bought the wright size for a pers...... Omg ! Its a coffin ! Take back all I said about the man being good. Sudenlly id prefer the man with the candy ! But everyone looks at it like. It looks like a coffin. but Its just a box shaped like a coffin. Obviously they smoke too much of the wrong stuff. So the guy in the top hat (The guy actually looks like santa. well an evil santa .well santa on drugs .well an evil santa on drugs) and makes lots of teethy growl faces. whats that all about ? and opens up the box to find .. A Goth ! A Goth in a box ! Theres somthing you dont see every days. So the "Goth" guy is called ceseare Hes been asleep for 25 years.. Woah ! He defiantally smoked somthing or seriously overdosed on the sleeping. Apparently hes been like that since he was a baby. How many times do i have too say this parents buy sleeping pills with a child lock on the lid ! Or put them up in a high place ! Your choice. So he wakes up from his deep sleep and is like wtf just happened ! The santa man (Caligari) thinks its a good time to resite some poetry. Anytime is a not a good time to recite poetry. So He says a very long poem that tells ceaseare to step of his box. No way did he come up with that on the spot he must of been up all night writing that. Maybye he stole off someone. yeah its like "I have a creepy ass poem" says the poet. "Give me that " says caligari. "Woah did santa claus just steal my poem ?". Yes he did poet ! So Ceseare decides to have a Q and A session with the place. Alan asks a question first (Main characters always ask questions first). He asks. "What knife will i stab Russell T Daives With ?" . Nah he doesnt ask that but i would !. Ask the meaning life you dope ! No he asks the best question EVER ! When will i Die ? Ceseare could of cheated him and said. "Some Day". But he says tommorrow morning. If iI was him I would get the police after that guy and never go to sleep or just dont bilieve. But he takes it too heart and almost cries. Francis is like "what a twat!" so they walk home and in the streets they meet a woman who looks excactly like the stoned girl at the start .Wait a minute it is her. Though she doesnt look that stoned. Maybye just a little bit. Francis and Alan are both in love with her .(Odd Taste), Francis makes a stupid speech like "Who ever she chooses between the both of us let us remain freiends !" When he is so obviously thinking up a scheme that involves a knife and Alan. Nah HE doesnt stab him but another guy does. Well if it isnt ceseare the sleepwalking man. how convenent. he can stab Alan then say that he was sleepwalking and it was an acident ... Way to go Ceseare. So he walks round the street doing whats seems to be ballet moves and .. Rubbing himself off the wall. Ceseare thats just embarassing. So Alan is found died in the morning. Did I just say he was found died ? He was found DEAD ! So bo hoo people cry. Francis trys to go to the police but there dickheads and wont listen so .. Off he goes to the stoned girls house. Where her dad is the chief of police. How conventant is that ? So the police listen to him now and pace back and forth. yeah thats help people. Tell me .. Will it bring alan !?#! .So the chief is killed aswell and stoned girl is like "How Dramatactally conventant ". Maybye we should just call the chief of police "The Man Of Covenience". They should a movie/Spin off about him and call it well .. "A MAN OF OF COVENINCE ". ePISODE ONE. The Phantom Menance !So it isnt long before That Familar man in Black comes to kill stoned girl. So he Comes in through an .. open window. Theres a killer on the loose and you .. Leave the window open ! So the window is huge ! Long And huge ! Is about the size of that German Villiage at the start. So he wals over with a pink knife aand goes to stab himself. But he stops .. Please in the name of god do not fall in love with with her .. Please .. I mean Beautey and the Beast .. Phantom of the opera .. Hunchback of notre Dame .. Man Who Laughs (I will review this one someday). .... And now this gets added to the list .That long list of romances that just didnt make it. So By god i was wright. So he does a frankenstien monster impression that goes like this "Ugh ! She pretty . Me steal!" . So out they go of the window. Across the roof And the cardboard chimney pots. that are still wet from all the black paint. cesare inhales some paints fumes .. Because people back then Painted there chimney pots ? And falls to the ground. Nah ! That doesnt happen ! He runs away with her .The police suspect santa claus man and send Francis and Some police Guy to his cabin. Which is so warped and oddly shaped its like a .. Big Warped House. so Ceseare is in the house what the ! But ceseare just kidnapped .. Does not make scence ! Its a friking Acid trip within and acid trip .. Yes its that crazy !So grown man ceseare is being spoon fed by santa. Read aloud that last sentance there. It tells you everthing you need to know about this movie .So the spoonfed Ceseare turns out to be a mannequin. A damm good one at that ! so they chase after ceseare (The Real One) and he falls off a cliff ! .. seriously thats like jack the ripper tripping over a bucket. They go to and mental asylum under the impression that caligari (Santa) is insane .But the asylum turns out to be run by dr caligari ! WtF ! I mean i like plot twists But this is just Too much ! So Caligari is like "I am not this caligari you speak off. I do not know who this handsome man is".He is so bullshiting ! Unless hes like caligaris twin brother .. Which hes not. This is sooooooo confusing. They show him ceseare dead body and he crys. francis is like "what a twat ".So he confesses to being caligari and we get a flashback of caligari going mad (His Discent into madness).Which is basically him running round acting like a complete maniac while the word "Caligari" flashes aaround the scrren like 103 time at 103 different angles.Couldnt they of done more to show a descent into madness then have a word flash arounfd the scrren. I mean a flashback would of been nice :( I mean how did he get Ceseare and stuff . seems alot could of been done . But hasnt been . We get some little information that caligari is not infact the first crazed doctor to go by that name and infact he is the latest in a long line of fakers trying to replicate the original Caligari who also had a sleepwalking Servant.Caligari is put in prison or somthing like that. That would the perfect ending but no the film started with a prolouge so it has to finish one. so the flashbox stops and where back with the young guy (Francis) and the wacky old man . The old doesnt bilieve him . So Francis takes him to an asylum.This small segmant at the end ruins the film as it controdicts one big thing. at the asylum we see drugged up wife to be .. I think shes arranging flowers .. i forget . shes not my favourite character in this fim ! Maybye my least (Shes Boring). Ummm so in the asylum we come across the biggest muck up in film history .... At the asylum we see .. CESEARE! .. But he died .. fell off a cliff .. we saw his body ! aww forget it I have lost faith in this movie Since this crappy aslum scene started. So the movie even cant end it on tis. THey decide to suprise you once more ! With a yet another no sense seen .. Oh goody. In the asylum they meet .. a man .. old man .. top hat.. looks like santa ! Apparantly HE is sane and is a doctor of the asylum and .. Francis s the insane one ! . This whole flashback with the giant hill was just a mad fantasy dreamt up by madman Francis. Suddenly this makes more sence. Ceseare wasnt actually the sleepwalking servant to a delunsional gay old man with a fetish for huge top hats.So the movie ends there at a cliffhanger wow ! Is there a sequel ? No but this silent film was remade in 2006 ! Its quite good ! So overall the film didnt make sence but then did ! If that makes sence about me talking about sence saying that sence but then did make perfect sence. That makes sence !So 8/10 for me. This review was rushed at the end so quality isnt as good as the start was. Still rushing. Does this movie sound good ? Say on the ducussion page if you want ! please watch these few clips of the film below ! If you can !

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=F2zNJXMOIy4 = The scene where ceseare falls in love.

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=vheUoyU2KUQ + Trailier for 2006 remake.

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=CNDaifCMAdI&feature=related + the scene with the coffin.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8455250375270835043 - THE Whole movie !

Next Review : Neco Z Alenky (1988) stop motion madness

Review: No 2 Neco Z Alenky) .(1988)

A dark interpratation of a childrens classic treasured story isnt exactly and original idea nowadays. over years we have got loads of fucked up versions of many the childrens classic .The most populuar being Alice in Wonderland. But back in 1988 this had never been done before and the maker of this film was treading on thin ice when he released this movie. Many people walked in the movie theatre expecting a live action remake of the 1944 Disney movie .They walked out a litle baffled. Mommy whats wrong with the White rabbit ? Well kid youre mommy cant tell whats wrong with him but I can .. Hes flipping insane, Evil and creepy .This movie is more stop motion than real. Sure Alice is real but apart from that who else is real ? No one else. Lets see what this film done to our favourite cherised characters well the Mad Hatter (my personal favourite) is an old wooden puppet with a bad paint job. Everytime he drinks tea he it just falls out of a hole in his back. Then whats the point of drinking tea I hear you ask. I dont know. Hes mad cant that just be the answer ?. Well lets see instead of going down a Rabbit Hole to enter wonderland. Alice enters through a drawer on a table. I suppose thats normal. why did she go through the drawers ? Boredom. That is the only explanation for it. she was in her room BORED dropping marbles in a cup of tea. Cause thats whats kids did before video games. She sees The White Rabbit and follows him. MAY I POINT ANOTHER PROBLEM WITH THE WHITE RABBIT hes leaking sawdust .so I guess HEs a toy (everyone Cept for alice is a toy). Also why is his watch always covered in gunk that he needs to whipe off all the time? This movie is great the only problem is the english Dub ! The VHS release was in the orginal launauge with english subtitles but the DVD release has a stupid dub. Everytime the character talk in there badly synced voices (Somtimes there mouths dont even move ) A huge pair of lips appear on the screen and say "Said The White Rabbit" or "Muttered the mArch Hare" or "Snapped Alice". It ruins the whole movie ! This film has everything a movie needs. Skuls and Disturbing ideas and visuals but it lacks somthing ! The CHESIRE cAT ! He would of been so cool and creepy in this movie !Im sort of bored of this review already. I want to do somthing else so Goodbye. Watch the movie if you want. Link to part one below.

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=CIB-LnoCNBM - Part one of 9.

Next Review: Batman Villians : Twenty of Gothams Finest

Review: No 3 Batman Villians : Twenty Of Gothams Finest

The Joker : Come on guys if you dont know who The Joker is you should hang yourself ! Basically I dont need to say much about him hes so well known.