Strax Field Report: The Doctors (webcast)

Straxs Field Report: The Doctor was a webcast released during the build-up to the 2013 Christmas special of Doctor Who.

Synopsis
Field Report TCX11/13: Strax discusses all twelve past incarnations of the Doctor.

Plot
Strax goes over the incarnations of "the universe's chief weakling and coward". First up, the First Doctor showed great early promise — somewhat akin to the great Field Marshal Styre — but was soon infected by the "human disease known as compassion".

Strax refers to the Second Doctor as "a buffoon", saying he was of no military value and preferred to spend his time to playing his recorder. He mentions that "the Lord and Hero" Stike served him justice.

The Doctor's third incarnation was a worthy opponent to Commander Linx, and is "highly commended for impressive martial abilities". He mentions his death at the hands of radiation "that would barely tickle a Sontaran".

The Fourth Doctor lead Sontarans on a frivolous chase through his TARDIS instead of facing them on the battlefield, "like a Rutan fleeing through an energy trench".

Next up, Strax comments on the Fifth Doctor's obsession with "wearing vegetable matter". Compassion for a fragile human once again killed this one off.

He identifies the Sixth Doctor as his personal favourite, being "confrontational, ruthless and aggressive". Unfortunately, "his delicate Gallifreyan cranium could not withstand a bump against his own ship's console."

"Doctor Seven" was a great strategist, using intense cunning, guile and plotting to defeat his enemies. "Though, ultimately, he failed to maneuver out of the path of a folly of speeding bullets, and expired at the hands of an incompetent boy with little medical expertise.

Strax thinks the Eighth Doctor chose to be a female, because of his hair. This incarnation engaged in "the futile pursuit of romantic attachment" and had an obsession with footwear. In the end, he chose to regenerate into a warrior, "fit to fight the greatest war in history".

Next, Strax discusses the incarnation who would not call himself Doctor. "My clone batch still quake in their probic powering pods at the very thought of this dark soldier."

"Number Nine" was another with a sense of fire and rage, and started with a flair for smiting species, but soon gave way to an affection for a yellow-headed Earth boy. He engaged in yet another "inter-species mouth-to-mouth interface".

The Doctor's next incarnation met Strax's clone batch in an encounter that Strax finds "both insolent and infuriating". He took great satisfaction in seeing his death.

Finally, the Eleventh Doctor's obsession with fabric helmets and neck adornments made him an easier opponent to dispatch. Yet he proved himself in evading the most ingenious trap ever created.

"He'll never escape the fate that awaits him on Trenzalore..."

Characters

 * Strax - Dan Starkey
 * Appearing in archive footage: William Hartnell, Carole Ann Ford, William Russell, Jacqueline Hill, Jon Pertwee, Kevin Lindsay, Peter Davison, Nicola Bryant, Paul McGann, David Tennant, Rupert Holliday Evans, John Hurt, Matt Smith

Story notes

 * Incorporates footage from TV: The Edge of Destruction, The Time Warrior, The Caves of Androzani, The Night of the Doctor, The Poison Sky and The Day of the Doctor.
 * Strax indicates that the Sixth Doctor's regeneration was caused by a bump on the head.