Doctorin' the Tardis

"Doctorin' the Tardis" is a 1988 electronic novelty pop single by The Timelords ("Time Boy" and "Lord Rock", aliases of Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, now better known as The KLF). The song is predominantly a mash-up of the Doctor Who theme music, Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll (Part Two)" with sections from "Blockbuster!" by Sweet and "Let's Get Together Tonite" by Steve Walsh. The single was panned by critics but became a commercial success, reaching number 1 in the UK Singles Chart and charting in the Top 10 in Australia and Norway.

The Timelords followed up their chart-topping record with a "how to have a number one" guide, The Manual (How to Have a Number One the Easy Way).

Context
The release of "Doctorin' the Tardis" followed a self-imposed break from recording of Drummond and Cauty's sampling outfit, The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu (The JAMs). The single continued The JAMs' strategy of plagiarising and juxtaposing popular musical works. However, unlike the cultish limited releases of The JAMs, in which Drummond's Clydeside rapping and social commentary were regular ingredients, "Doctorin' The Tardis" was an excursion into the musical mainstream, with the change of name to "The Timelords" and an overt reliance on several iconic symbols of 1970s and 80s British popular culture, including Glitter, the Doctor Who theme song, references to Doctor Who's Daleks and the TARDIS), Sweet's "Blockbuster!" and Harry Enfield's character 'Loadsamoney' . The song also features the riff from another of Glitter's recordings, "I'm the Leader of the Gang (I Am)". Its name is a reference to "Doctorin' the House" by Coldcut.

Drummond and Cauty often claimed that the song was the result of a deliberate effort to write a number one hit single. However, in interviews with SnubTV and BBC Radio 1, Drummond offered a more plausible explanation. "We went into the studio on a Monday, thinking we were going to make a house track, a regular underground dance house track using the Doctor Who theme tune... [but] we [then] realised it was in triplet time and you can't have house tracks in triplet time. The only beat that would work with it was the Glitter beat. By Tuesday evening we realised we had a number one and we just went totally for the lowest common denominator". Radio 1 interviewer Richard Skinner called the record an "aberration", to which Drummond pleaded "guilty", adding that "we justified it all by saying to ourselves 'We're celebrating a very British thing here... you know, something that Timmy Mallett understands'".

In a KLF Communications information sheet, Drummond called "Doctorin' the Tardis" "probably the most nauseating record in the world" but added that "we also enjoyed celebrating the trashier side of pop".

Ford Timelord
In promotional material for the single, credit for the talent behind the song (inspiration and authorship) was attributed not to Time Boy and Lord Rock but to "Ford Timelord," Cauty's 1968 Ford Galaxie American police car reg plate "WGU 18G", formerly known as the JAMsmobile. The car, which had previously appeared on the cover of The JAMs' album Who Killed The JAMs?, was thematically tailored to The JAMs, depicting their 'pyramid blaster' emblem on its doors and the number 23 on its roof. Drummond and Cauty claimed the car spoke to them, giving its name as Ford Timelord, and advising the duo to become "The Timelords". Ford featured prominently on the sleeve of "Doctorin' the Tardis", where it is quoted as saying "Hi! I'm Ford Timelord. I'm a car, and I've made a record", and "...I mixed and matched some tunes we all know and love, got some mates down and made this record. Sounds like a hit to me". The "Timelord" component of Ford's name arrives from the Time Lords, a fictional alien race from the planet Gallifrey in Doctor Who.

The "Doctorin' the Tardis" music video features Ford Timelord driving around the countryside in pursuit of some rather crudely designed Daleks, his wailing siren audible throughout. The video was filmed in part at the now defunct RAF Yatesbury, a Royal Air Force base in Wiltshire, and - according to The Timelords - cost in the region of £8,000 to make.

Reaction
While the music-buying public of the UK embraced the single, taking it to the number-one spot within three weeks of its release, the music press were strongly negative. Melody Maker described it as "pure, unadulterated agony ... excruciating"; Sounds reasoned that it was "a record so noxious that a top ten place can be its only destiny", calling it a "rancid reworking of ancient discs". The record also reached number two in Australia and Norway.  Select magazine later reported that "Doctorin' the Tardis" sold over a million copies.

In a retrospective look at novelty records and a defence of the genre, Peter Paphides wrote in The Observer's music monthly that "the one novelty record most people admit to liking is 'Doctorin' The Tardis' by The Timelords... The reason for this, presumably, is that it's nice to be in on the same joke as arch pop ironist Bill Drummond. Fine, but let's not forget that if The KLF weren't passionate about how brilliantly dumb pop can be they wouldn't have got to Number One." The "reason we purport to hate novelty records", he argued, "is because we continue to romanticise the creative process. We feel that our intelligence is insulted by novelty."

A 1994 piece in The Guardian called "Doctorin'" a "piss-take". "It was a triumph for Trash Art and it spent exactly one week at the top of the chart. Perfect."

Legacy
The Timelords released one other product on the strength of "Doctorin' the Tardis", a 1989 book called The Manual (How to Have a Number One the Easy Way), in which they candidly described the logistical processes and efforts that sealed the record's commercial success.

After The Timelords, Drummond and Cauty became The KLF. An American reissue of the single in the mid-1990s lists the artist as The Timelords/The KLF, and features both a KLF track (the original uncut version of "What Time Is Love?") and "Gary Joins The JAMS", a version of "Doctorin' the Tardis" with new vocals by Gary Glitter referencing his own songs.

Later attempts of Drummond and Cauty to top the charts were less successful: The KLF's "Kylie Said to Jason" failed to achieve the chart success for which it was designed, peaking outside the Top 100, and Cauty's novelty project Solid Gold Chartbusters with Guy Pratt, which was designed to be a Christmas number one single, did not reach the UK Top 10. However, The KLF's string of "Stadium House" singles, beginning with "What Time Is Love?", found popular appeal and worldwide chart success while dispensing with the opportunistic sheen of "Doctorin' the Tardis".

Formats and track listing
"Doctorin' the Tardis" was given an international single release on 23 May 1988. In the US it was re-issued in 1991, containing The KLF's "What Time Is Love? (Pure Trance Original)". The formats and track listings are tabulated below:

Key
 * d - "Doctorin' the Tardis" (radio edit / 7" Mix) (3:37)
 * D - "Doctorin' the Tardis" (Club Mix / 12" Mix) (8:15)
 * M - "Doctorin' the Tardis (Minimal)" (4:28)
 * V - "Doctorin' the Tardis (Video Mix)" (2:20)
 * g - "Gary in the Tardis" (3:26)
 * gM - "Gary in the Tardis (Minimal)" (4:08)
 * G - "Gary Joins The JAMs" (usually 6:22)
 * W - "What Time Is Love? (Pure Trance Original)" (7:06)

Other references

 * Library of Mu press archive - a library of KLF-related press clippings
 * Discogs.com, KLF Communications discography
 * KLF discography, Longmire, Ernie et al. (2005)
 * "The KLF: Enigmatic dance duo" (feature and discography up to that time), Record Collector Magazine, April 1991.